Archive | June 2014

Guillermo Del Toro Told To Make His Bloody Mind Up

"Look into my eyes and weep"

“Look into my eyes and weep with despair at dreams unrealised”

With the announcement of a Pacific Rim animated series and a second big stompy robots vs big stompy monsters movie, fans have taken to the internet to have a stern word with writer and director Gullermo Del Toro.

The director, whose IMDb credits of unmade or unfinished properties is so extensive the website has an entire server dedicated to his profile, is currently trying to finish his latest film Crimson Peak. He released a video this week announcing Pacific Rim 2 but the response in the YouTube comments section was unexpected.

User FaarkUGDT opened with ” F**k you man! Where’s Hellboy 3” while others were more eloquent ranging from “What the hell !? Just finish something you promised for once!” and “What about The Hobbit dude?” to “MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS!!!!! MAKE THE BLOODY THING!” and “Justice League: Dark was supposed to be out by now.”

Other comments proposed a different theory, that Del Toro doesn’t actually exist. “Can’t you see!?” Exclaimed GunsNFuns357 “Hollywood is trolling us, Del Toro doesn’t exist, he’s a construct by the Illuminati keeping the geeks and fans of SF and Horror busy while they make shite like Transformers

Meanwhile rumours abound that Del Toro’s lack of output is due to the fact that he is lost in his own home, which is constructed out of a maze of unrealised scripts, and he may actually be trapped beneath a pile of screenplay rewrites for Mimic 2

Doctor Who Showrunner Job To Become Hereditary

All hail Ste-Mo the first!

All hail Ste-Mo the first!

The BBC have announced that Steven Moffat will be Doctor Who showrunner for the duration of his life and on the occasion of his death he will be succeeded by his eldest son.

“Historically the BBC has resisted the idea of hereditary principle.” Said spokesperson Dan Inzider. “However old Ste-mo convinced us that the Doctor Who job was a special case. A sacred trust that was the birthright of his family bloodline.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said this was an evolution of the show runners role. “In the late 80s John Nathan-Turner wasn’t allowed to quit as producer so was essentially a sort of indentured servant. Over the years, as fans have become producers of the show, JNT’s plight has become an ambition. Ste-mo finds being told he can never leave Doctor Who to be comforting rather than frustrating.”

Inzider said there were many practical advantages to making the post hereditary. “The job of Doctor Who showrunner is seen by many as a poisoned chalice. This way we can always be sure that someone will fill the position. That and the fact it’s going to save the human resources department a fortune.”

The Doctor Who Appreciation Society released a statement on the subject which simply read “Oh Shit”.

SFX Magazine Celebrates 250 Months Of Bias Accusations

With hindsight this front cover should have been devoted to Hackers

With hindsight this front cover should have been devoted to Hackers

Fact based, genuine Sci-fi news publication SFX Magazine today celebrates having each and every one of its 250 issues accused of being biased in some way.

Dylan Gibbs, a long time reader, was outraged. “I’ve read SFX since its first, flagrantly Tank Girl biased issue. Its shameless bias in favour of whatever is popular at the time as opposed to what I’m watching and reading is sickening.”

Gibbs, who runs a Crime Traveller fan site, was equally upset by their 250th issue celebration party. “They are being egotistically biased in favour of themselves. The least they could have done is devote a table to TV Zone in the name of balance. The fact that they continue to disregard my very specific feelings and opinions is infuriating.”

When asked why he continued to read a publication that he so clearly disagreed with to the point of requiring medical attention Gibbs said. “I live in hope that one day they will improve and produce a proper issue that covers real Sci-fi rather than all the really popular stuff that only girls like.”

When asked for comment on the subject an unnamed SFX spokesperson said “While not all of our readers are going to be fans of everything that we cover the one thing that I know for certain is Crime Traveller was shit.”

New Predator To Have Straight Laced Black Sidekick

image

If you squint this could be Mel Gibson circa 1987

The Predator franchise is to receive a thorough and merciless rebooting at the hands of Iron Man 3 director Shane Black. Early word on Black’s story treatment for the reboot suggest that this time around the Predator will work with a straight laced black sidekick.

The character is provisionally named Loomis and will act as the Predator’s squire. Providing weapons and technical support for the Predator’s human safari. Loomis will be a long suffering family man who is a month away from retirement.

“Shane Black has been proven to have a tried and tested formula for success.” Said Fox spokesman Dan Inzider. “As it turns out that formula is really specific”

Other leaked plot details point to the film being set in Los Angeles and will feature a charismatic, loose cannon private eye who’s investigation will stumble across the Predator and Loomis’ activities. All of this will be happening at Christmas time for no reason whatsoever.

“Shane said when he was approached about the project that the first image that came into his head was the Predator beating the shit out of Santa before ripping out his spine. Once that scene was locked all he had to do is crowbar the rest of the plot elements in around that.”

Original Predator performer Kevin Peter Hall has gone on record to say that he won’t be returning to the role saying that he was “Too old for that shit.”

Cruise To Be Told That Ewoks are Wookiees

"Yub nub...I mean GRWAAARAGH."

“Yub nub…I mean GRWAAARAGH.”

Tom Cruise may well possibly maybe appear in the next Star Wars film and if he does measures have been put into place to not make him feel bad about his height.

Disney’s chief ego wrangler Dan Inzider has explained his plans to placate Hollywood’s tiniest megastar. “It’s really simple. The scene that JJ has in mind for Tom to cameo in takes place on the forest moon of Endor. We’re going to tell him that the scene is actually set on the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk and instead of being surrounded by spear lobbing teddy bears he’s standing shoulder to shoulder with seven foot tall, rampaging beasts.”

Cruise’s scenes will be filmed on a closed set with a minimal crew. All of whom have been told that they will be fired on the spot if the let slip that Cruise is actually working with children and little people wrapped in fuzzy felt. “Tom can be very sensitive about his height. It all goes back to his time working on Legend. Ridley Scott made no secret that he’d cast Tom in order to make Tim Curry’s Darkness character look even bigger. The crew would tease him incessantly about him playing a heroic gnome.”

Star Wars veteran Warwick Davis said he was looking forward to working with Cruise again. “I haven’t laid eyes on Tom since I doubled for him on Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I’m looking forward to kicking his ass on the basketball court between takes.”

Naked Karen Gillan Selfie Incapacitates Thousands

Shares in moist towels are soaring.

Shares in moist towels are soaring.

A photograph that Karen Gillan has taken of herself naked has led to thousands of Doctor Who fans being incapacitated while excessively appreciating it. The photo is part of a marketing campaign for a new show called Selfie that no one gave two hoots about until it produced this image and now thousands have called in sick to work.

Jim Matthews, a fan from York, said. “I’ve been appreciating it over and over again. I’m so tired and sore now but I don’t see myself stopping any time soon.”.

Jenny Nicholls, a Doctor Who Podcaster from Tadcaster, said. “I’ve been at it for hours now. I’ve had to change the batteries twice and I think I’ve voided the warranty. I’m going to be walking like John Wayne for at least a week.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton has said that while this was unusual it was not unheard of. “There hasn’t been such a crippling outbreak of appreciation for a former companion since the Katy Manning incident of 1977. Many believe that was the real reason behind the British Layland strike and England not qualifying for the world cup that year. The first episode of Planet of Fire, infamous for featuring Nicola Bryant in a bikini and Mark Strickson in tight shorts, is also known to have caused a spike in sickness the week it was broadcast. It’s believed that it would have been far more damaging if more people had owned video recorders.”

Conservative estimates suggest that Gillan’s picture it going to cost the global economy around 348 million dollars due to lost man-hours. A price that Hexton describes as “Totally worth it.”

Nathan Fillion To Be In Every Marvel Film From Now On

*sigh*

*sigh*

Marvel have announced that since the news of Nathan Fillion’s appearance in Guardians of the Galaxy has been so well received he is going to be in every one of their films from now on.

Marvel Studios press agent Anne Incider said. “It turns out that Fillion is something of a critical flak jacket. Cast him in your film and the nerds will bounce up and down clapping and turn up on opening weekend to catch just 3 minutes of his manly square jaw and his soulful, puppy-dog eyes. After which they will immediately declare the film a triumph regardless of what else happens in it”

Fillion fan Zoe Stevens said. “I’d watch him anything. He might be the one person who could single-handedly save Ant-Mat

Incider said that they may find a way to digitally insert Fillion into their previous films as well. “We’re thinking of replacing all of Stan Lee’s cameos with Fillion. No one seems to care either way if Stan rocks up but if Fillion plays ‘guy who says something at the end of Avengers Assemble‘ that would get people very excited. We predict that a Fillion edition phase one box set could easily make as much money as the inferior, non Fillion version.”

Comic film fan Gavin Dillon said “I’m as heterosexual a man as you’re likely to meet but I’ll be the first to admit that Nathan Fillion is just dreamy. I’d let that man do things to me that my wife says she’ll never do in a million years. If they can find a way to cast him as Ms Marvel I’ll be a happy man indeed.”

Warner Bros. have denied rumours that they are now desperately attempting to cast Fillion as Snapper Carr in order to save the reputation of Superman Vs Batman: Dead in the Water

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Almost Certainly Playing Yoda’s Deadbeat Grandson Or Something

Basically this guy in a Jedi robe knocking one out to a Twi'lek

Basically this guy in a Jedi robe knocking one out to a Twi’lek

Now Rain Johnson looks like he might have been hired to direct a Star Wars Episodes VIII and IX it now seems almost certain that long time collaborator Joseph Gordon-Levitt will appear in a prominent role.

Mara Thawn, leader of a Star Wars fan group in Telford, is really excited by this unconfirmed, speculation based news. “I’ve been a big fan of his since 3rd Rock From the Sun and feel strangely conflicted about the handsome man he has now grown up to become.”

Gordon-Levitt’s history of playing good but flawed characters has led fandom to believe that he will probably be some sort of conflicted Jedi. “I’d like to think that he will be playing Yoda’s grandson Terry. He’ll have the weight of his family legacy on his shoulders which will lead him to lash out at those closest to him and spend his days in bars drinking and selling death sticks. Oh and he’ll probably be addicted to porn.”

Corran Horn, leader of the 501st Swindon (both of them) said “I hope that he grows close to Luke Skywalker and then does most of the heavy lifting for the main plot while Luke is trying to get out of a big pit somewhere and by the end it will turn out that he’s actually Robin.”

Meanwhile rumours that Simon Pegg might be appearing in Episode VII remain unconfirmed as no one appears to care enough to actually go and find out for certain.

Avengers 2 Will Be A Musical Says Whedon

Who's up for an old fashioned sing-a-long?

Who’s up for an old fashioned sing-a-long?

Joss Whedon has revealed that Avengers 2: Age of Ultron will be a musical. The main cast have spent months training with choreographers and singing coaches to perform original numbers penned by Whedon and his brother Jed.

“We’re all very excited” Said Marvel spokesman Dan Inzider. “Joss has this thing where he can’t help but produce musicals that aren’t that good but people somehow can’t get enough of. Once we bring out the Sing-A-Long version of the film six months after the original release we’re looking at doubling the box office of Avengers Assemble.”

Early reports suggest that songs include a duet for Black Widow and Hawkeye entitled Summer in Budapest, a Capatin America swing solo called The A Don’t Stand For France and Eurorock spectacular Bring the Hammer Down performed by Thor.

Whedon fan Tara Green said “I’ve seen Once More With Feeling 1278 times and Doctor Horrible 2431 times. I will need to experience this in IMAX as many times as I can. I’m considering re-mortgaging my house.”

A spokesman for Warner Bros. categorically denies that they have cast John Barrowman and Kristen Chenoweth as Hawk and Dove then hastily written them into Superman Vs Batman: Running Out Of Room as a knee-jerk response to this so expect official confirmation of that soon.

Warner Bros. Hold Audiences To Ransom With Live Action Scooby Doo Film

 

No one wants this. No one.

No one wants this. No one.

Just when you thought that you would never have to sit through another misguided attempt at a live action Scooby Doo film Warner Bros. have ruined everyone’s day by announcing that they are rebooting the franchise and they’ll definitely make it unless people start being more positive about Superman Vs Batman: Dawn of Desperation.

Warner Bros. press agent Anne Incider said. “Since we announced this superfest instead of the anticipated fanboy web bukkake we’ve had nothing but grief. It’s time to remind people who’s in charge. The web needs to start showing us more respect and if they won’t do that then we’ll have no choice but to make this Scooby Doo film.”

This is the first of a series of reprisals that Warners are planning to stop people from laughing hysterically at every crazy announcement they make about their insane superhero check-list of a film. “If this doesn’t work then we also have remakes of Space Jam, Spies Like Us, Battlefield Earth and Freejack that can be added to the slate at a moments notice and we have Brett Ratner on speed dial. Basically don’t fuck with us.”

Harvey Stone of film website Ain’t It Awesome Digest said “While I am compelled to pour scorn on the increasingly insane, impulse decision making that seems to be behind every level of this film; this is a list that could well make me think twice. I mean they’re talking about remaking FreeJack with exactly the same cast as the original. That’s the stuff of my nightmares.”

“On reflection I can’t wait to see their new superhero masterpiece.”