Archive | July 2014

New Deadpool Movie to be “Leaked” In Random 2 Minute Chunks

Is this a clue to the correct order? Who knows?

Is this a clue to the correct order? Who knows?

A new CGI Deadpool film is to be “leaked” online in its entirety but in chunks of around 2 minutes long and in a completely random order.

The man behind the idea, Dan Inzider, said that this was an exciting new way to get a film out to its audience. “People love the idea that they are watching something that has been leaked illicitly. Geek news sites will fall over themselves to post the clips and lap up all those lovely hits before the studio insists that they take it down. We’re just going to pretend that we are very upset that these chunks of “test footage” have been leaked when this will actually be the only way that you can view the film.”

The 98 minute film will be released over a period of approximately 2 years the times and order to be chosen at random. “I have an dice and a calendar written on a big wheel. I’m going to spin the wheel for a release date and roll the dice to decide how many clips to release. I will continue to do this until the whole film is out there.”

As the film is something of a jigsaw puzzle there will be a prize available to the first person who manages to assemble a complete and narratively coherent cut of the film. “The first person that puts the clips together into an order that makes some kind of sense will be credited as an assistant editor and will immediately be issued with a cease and desist order after we have torrented their cut and slapped it onto a bunch of DVDs that we’ll crank out at $45 a pop.”

Tobin Wells of the London School of Economics said that this was an innovative new business strategy which he expected bigger studios to adopt soon. “What Dan Inzider has created is what we are dubbing ‘Devious Bastard Marketing’ and as soon as the major studios get wind of it you can expect that they will all start to market their films this way. Just think, this could be the future of all Michael Bay releases. Tolerable 2 minute bursts of explosive stupid in a random order. That would have been a better title for Transformers: Age of Extinction.”

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Peter Capaldi Says Moffat Will Do As He’s Fucking Told

Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat's scrotum.

Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat’s scrotum.

Peter Capaldi has revealed in an interview with the Telegraph that he is essentially in charge of Doctor Who as Steven Moffat basically does whatever he tells him to do.

“Ste-mo was all like ‘You and Clara can get flirty’ but I wasn’t having that shite on my watch so I squared up to him real close until I could hear his tiny little whimpers of fear and said ‘Now listen up you dough faced two-trick pony. Do you know who the fuck I am? I’m Peter fucking Capaldi and I’ve been a fan of this show before you were out of nappies. That’s the only fucking reason I’m here. To do this my way, the way it should be fucking done. If you want some prancing Jenny to act out your wank fantasies go get Matt Smith back. The only way you are going to make sure that I don’t harm a single wiry pube on your bulbous head is if you sit the fuck down, shut your fucking mouth and do EXACTLY what I fucking tell you to.”’

Anne Incider, a spokesperson for the Doctor Who production office said the whole thing was a sight to behold. “He swept in like a man with purpose and ripped Ste-mo a new one. I didn’t hear much apart from the swearing but I definitely heard him yell ‘…and while you’re at it hire a female director you male chauvinist ballbag!’. There was the sound of breaking furniture and a lot of high pitched yelping which I assume was coming from Ste-mo himself as he doen’t own a small dog. After Capaldi left Ste-mo came out of the office looking white as a sheet apart from the red rings around his eyes. He has a large, wet stain on his trousers which he swore was coffee but definitely smelt like piss.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that this was and unprecedented power grab by a lead actor of the show. “Doctor Who has a history of difficult leading men to be sure. When William Hartnell wasn’t arguing with directors he was leaving his socks in Peter Purves’ tea and it’s well known that Jon Pertwee flatly refused to shoot a frame of season 11 until someone built him a car that looked like a spaceship.

“The only other leading man to attempt such a seizure of power was Tom Baker when he decided that he wanted to do whatever he felt like at the time regardless of what anyone else was doing while Graham Williams was the producer. It got the the point that if Williams wanted his own way then he had to best Baker in a series of physical challenges ranging from arm wrestling to bare knuckle fist fighting in the Blue Peter garden. John Nathan-Turner only managed to rein Tom in by spiking his gin with laudanum. That’s why he gives such a muted performance during season 18.”

Capaldi said that he would only use his new found power for good. “I feel I have a responsibility to do right by the show’s history and all of the great people who have brought it to the screen both in front and behind the camera. Plus, let’s be honest, it’s not like I could make it any worse.”

Bioware Instantly Regret Asking Mass Effect Fans For Advice On New Game

Possibly the best/worst thing about a game that's too long/short

Possibly the best/worst thing about a game that’s too long/short

Montreal based video games company Bioware has taken the unusual step of asking the fans of their multi award winning game series Mass Effect and now confess to regretting the decision.

Speaking at a press conference today Bioware spokesman Dan Inzider revealed “In the intervening years between delivering multiple apologies and fixes for Mass Effect 3, we kind of assumed that everyone had chilled the fuck out and got on with their lives”

“However, we under estimated the Internet’s ability to hold a pointless grudge. After the survey went live yesterday to get some thoughts of the fans regarding what they would like from the next instalment in the Mass Effect franchise we received over two billion cupcakes through the post and almost as many death threats” Stated Inzider.

When asked to reveal the preliminary results of the online survey so far Inzider was initially hesitant to answer “The preliminary results of the online survey are still being collated and assessed” he confessed “However, I can give you a flavour of the information we have so far. The results are so far rather interesting… Currently 50% of all surveyed believe that the game should have a female character while 50% believe that it should be male. 50% of those who responded love the multiplayer experience while 50% think that the multiplayer can go ‘eat a dick’.

“Additional survey results show that everyone thinks the game should involve exploring the universe while everyone also thinks that the game should be set in a single location and anyone who says otherwise is a nobber. Also, interestingly, there is a unanimous feeling across all who were surveyed that the game should have a strong storyline, yet to counter that it seems that everyone agrees that the story isn’t as important as combat, pretty graphics and boobs.”

Inzider described more preliminary findings such as “…everyone thinks Commander Shepard should and should not be in the game at all, being completely dead and alive after the events of the previous game and that Mass Effect 4 should have a minimum of 512 story conclusions, but only one story line of ten minutes to three thousand hours long.”

Finally Inzider concluded the press conference with one last piece of information from the survey “Its amazing!” he exclaimed “Every single person who responded to the survey said that they had a great idea for Mass Effect 4 and it would definitely be better than anything our writers could come up with as it involved boobs and multiple sex scenes ‘where you get to see everything’ “

Internet Confirms That Man Dressed As Batman Looks Like Batman

"Because I'm Batman...Look how I'm dressed."

“Because I’m Batman…Look how I’m dressed.”

The internet has breathed a collective sigh of relief that Ben Affleck dressed as Batman looks recognisably like Batman after Zack Snyder released a new image of actor Ben Affleck dressed as Batman.

“That definitely looks like Batman” commented twitter user @Dancybanjo45 “and not anyone else. He has Batman’s mask on. Which means he’s Batman.”

‘It’s like a frame from a Batman comic,” concurred @wonderpie352. “One with Batman in it. Because that’s what Batman wears! On his face!”.

“I was sure that Affleck was just going to spary his Daredevil costume black and hope that no one would notice” said @JohnBumphrys, before later adding “It turns out this is actually a multimillion dollar film backed by a proper studio that can afford to make a whole new costume from scratch rather than having to upcycle anything.”

Affleck’s friend and long time collaborator Matt Damon said “I’ve seen the whole costume. It has a cape and a bat on the front and a belt with all things on it. It’s not like just the head bits but then he’s wearing jeans and a Batman T-shirt. !f you think that seeing the head in profile was exciting and informative just wait till you see all of it.”

When asked if he would be interested in co-starring with Affleck’s Batman Damon snorted his can of Dr Pepper out of his nose while laughing. “Are you serious? I was Jason fucking Bourne. I could take out Batman in two seconds using a rolled up newspaper or a TV remote or something.”

Thursday’s SDCC Highlights

comic-con_logoToday’s schedule for SDCC 2014 has some exciting panels and events. Here is just a slice of what you can expect.

 

How to Get Away With Not Drawing Feet With Rob Liefeld

A masterclass in how to inexplicably have a successful career as a comicbook artist despite not being able to draw feet from the master. Rob will also explain how to draw comically over muscled men and why pouches are so great that he sleeps in one.

 

Dan Slott Apology Session

An opportunity for everyone who hurled invective at Dan Slott for Superior Spider-Man to apologise to him in person. As an added bonus if you let Dan kick you in the balls as an act of contrition you’ll get a free copy of Amazing Spider-Man #5. Get there early as the queue is expected to be very long.

 

Warner Brothers and DC Announce Added Characters to Dawn of Justice

Attendees will be invited to write the names of their favourite DC comics characters and then put them into a hat. A DC executive will then pull out 5 names and those characters will be written into the script for Superman Vs Batman.

 

George R.R. Martin Writing Session

George R.R. Martin will take to the stage and add 4 new words to The Winds of Winter. He has promised at that one of them will definitely be a verb.

 

WWE Studios Announce New Projects

WWE Studios will be announcing their adaptations of Arthur C Clarke’s Rendezvous With Rama starring The Undertaker and Alfred Bester’s The Stars My Destination starring John Cena and Sheamus.

Peter Jackson to Direct 4 Hour HD Adaptation of Dimensions in Time

David Banks is still inside that Cyberman costume.

David Banks is still inside that Cyberman costume.

Steven Moffat has announced that New Zealand based dwarf wrangler Peter Jackson will be directing the season 9 finale Doctor Who. Jackson has said that he is going to adapt the 17 minute long Children in Need 3D special Dimensions in Time.

Jackson is well known as a lifelong fan of the show and such a keen collector that he bought Sylvester McCoy in 2004 and keeps him in a display case in his home next to the Dalek that Katy Manning posed nude with and the original raw studio recordings of Doctor in Distress.

Executive Producer of the week Dan Inzider said. “Peter is no longer capable of painting on a small canvass and he always felt that Dimensions in Time had a longer story worth telling. He is reluctantly condensing that story down to 4 hours which probably means that the fight scene of the Garm taking on an army of Quarks is probably going to have to go.” When asked if there is too little in the way of story to achieve the running time Inzider just laughed. “That’s because the original Dimensions in Time didn’t have any epic battle scenes. This is going to have a lot of epic battle scenes and long, lingering helicopter shots of people walking through picturesque surroundings.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that the show has almost been helmed by Hollywood talent before. “In the 70s there were rumours that Woody Allen was going to direct a story until Tom Baker headbutted him through a table during a liquid business lunch in Soho. In the 80s there were talks with David Cronenberg to direct The Five Doctors but after they watched Videodrome even JNT had to admit that it might not be the best idea”

Jackson has said that he intends to film the story in 48fps and that Andy Serkis is going to do motion capture for a CGI Wendy Richard. It has been noted that if Serkis does a good job that Jackson’s next project will be a fully CGI remake of Are You Being Served with Serkis playing all the roles.

Jack Black to Star in Automan Reboot

You have to admit that car is awesome.

You have to admit that car is awesome.

Hot on the heels of the announcement that Will Ferrell and Adam Mackay are remaking Manimal comes the news that the first project of a newly revived Canon Films will be a reimagining of 80s quasi-techno adventure series Automan with Jack Black in the title role.

Canon’s head of projects Anne Incider said “There is an untapped goldmine of terrible shows that died on their ass in the 80s that hipsters will fall over themselves to enjoy ironically. They will deride the original and slate they remake but will shell out hard cash to do both so frankly we coin it in no matter what.”

The original Automan was intended to be the perfect specimen of humanity and was portrayed by 80s Adonis Chuck Wagner. When asked why the studio had decided to cast Jack Black Incider was very clear. “He’s a fat guy. Fat guys are funny what with them being fat and everything. It’s ironic probably.”

The new Automan film will reflect the evolution of modern technology. “The new costume is basically a bunch of iPads glued to a body stocking. I know many people would expect us to use CGI but we at Canon have a reputation to uphold when it comes to shonky filmmaking and we are not about to disappoint fans of our work by suddenly being competent and professional. Asylum films have been trying to steal our crown but with Automan we are announcing to the world that they original ramshackle studio is back and we are taking no prisoners. The critics will loathe it but this time next year it will be playing at midnight screenings and people will flock to watch and mock it. In doing so they fill our coffers and fund our reboot of Thunder in Paradise because we recognise that by then people will want to ironically enjoy shit things from the 90s”

Automan is due for release next summer and the death or irony is due to be announced soon after.

Batman Reveals Birthday Honours List

They get to choose where  on their body they have this branded.

They get to choose where on their body they have this branded.

Batman has revealed the people to have honours bestowed upon them in his 75th birthday honours list.

Adam West, Burt Ward, Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy and Christian Bale are all to receive Dark Knighthoods. This means that they all have permission to operate as Batman wherever they happen to be at the time and have all been sent batsuits in order to fulfil those responsibilities. Burt Ward was particularly excited to receive his Dark Knighthood saying that “Finally it’s Burt’s time to shine!”

Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldman are all to receive an OBS (Order of Batman Sidekicks). This entitles them to also fight crime but only in a sidekick capacity to anyone with a Dark Knighthood. Chris O’Donnell said that he was looking forward to assisting the stand against injustice “I want to play my part and to help those who need it. Just so long as it involves going nowhere near Burt Ward.”

Michael Caine, Sean Pertwee and (posthumously) Michael Gough have been awarded an MBS (Member of Batman’s Staff) which means that they have a job for life at Wayne Manor should they choose to take it. When asked how he felt about a potential job washing Bruce Wayne’s jockstrap Sean Pertwee was quoted as saying “Fuck that you slag!”

The recipients of these honours will at some point be batgassed, thrown into the back of a van and carted off to the batcave. They will receive their honours while they are still confused and disorientated so they are in no position to identify the location of the batcave or remember any specific details about its contents. They will then be thrown from a moving van onto a street corner. When told of how his honour will be bestowed upon him Burt Ward said “That’s pretty much what happened to me every weekend during the nineties.”

Fake Scripts Cause Existential Crisis For Film News Sites

Artists rendering of the mental crossroads of the average film blogger.

Artists rendering of the mental crossroads of the average film blogger.

The revelation that a fake script for Superman v Batman: Mid-morning of Meh was actually fake has caused a number of movie news websites to question the nature of reality.

“When we make something up and post it as news, we expect people to just accept it” reveals Kip Olsen of the Ain’t It Badass Den of Buzz film site “but when we got a real script, which was fake but we thought it was real and we made up fake rumours based on its contents and it turned out the script was false, we had to question whether or not our own fake rumours had suddenly become very real! I mean is a fake story based on fake information believed real, fake or real or what!?” Olsen was later carted off in a straitjacket screaming that everyone was pretty little unicorns dancing in his mind.

Industry expert Dan Inzider said that the gloves had come off. “Gone are they days when some Hawaiian shirt wearing gastropod could strike fear into a film studio with the strike of a keyboard. The industry is now wise to these neckbearded dateless wonders and are going to play with their minds as a child would play with silly putty.

The story has since taken a further twist when 20th Century Fox executive Ivor Engine resigned after it was revealed that a number of fake scripts written by Damon Lindelof purely to enrage the internet had inadvertently been made.

Leaked Doctor Who Episodes Will Also Spoil Your Future Christmas and Birthday Presents

Torrent Deep Breath and this paper layer of temporary suspense will no longer be necessary.

Torrent Deep Breath and this paper layer of temporary suspense will no longer be necessary.

It’s been reported that the unfinished workprint of Peter Capaldi’s first journey as 12th Doctor that has been leaked to torrent sites also contains an extensive, sketchy list of your future Christmas and Birthday presents. Those who’ve seen the video report that there are clear gaps in the visual effects, missing music cues, and that they’re now a just little underwhelmed at probably getting that box set of the Harry Potter novels.

“Totally dig where the show is headed” said @Dancybanjo45 on Twitter, “but I am so bummed out I’m not getting that Scalextric that I don’t care anymore”

“Surprises are bad for people” argued one of the uploaders, who has asked to remain anonymous despite being called Alan Tarrant of 35 Lordship Lane, London N22. “If I hid in your house while you were out, and jumped out at you when you got in again, and took a widdle in your living room in front of you, you’d be pretty upset, right? But if I wrote to you about it 2 weeks ahead, I reckon you’d probably just laugh it off. That’s why I go out of my way to remove the element of surprise for everyone else. I’m doing a public service and I expect the knighthood that is reserved for selfless acts of this nature.”

This follows in the wake of a number of leaks from the BBC, including the scripts of the first five episodes and detailed medical diagrams of the cast’s intestines. In fact there have been so many leaks coming out of the Doctor Who production office that the Head of BBC Wales has sent a memo to Steven Moffat asking him if he’s taking the piss or what?

Ste-mo has been unavailable for comment due to him spending the afternoon swimming in a special vat of Karen Gillan action figures like Scrooge McDuck.