Archive | August 2014

Moffat Promises Campest Daleks Ever

OOOOH. GET HER!

OOOOH. GET HER!

Steven Moffat has promised to counteract the darker tone and central performance of Doctor Who with the campest Daleks the show has yet seen on screen.

“Ste-Mo is very aware that Capaldi wants to take things in a more serious direction and he has physical scars as a permanent reminder” said Production Assistant Anne Incider. “But he is also aware that there is a chunk of the audience that wants the show to be light and fluffy so he’s made some production changes.”

Dalek voice actor Nicholas Briggs has been doing some extra preparation for this new take on the show’s most notorious villain. “Nick has spent week in intensive training with Alan Carr and has been listening to old episodes of Round the Horne to really hone his skills and find the truth behind the camp Daleks. The Dalek operators have also been instructed to try and move in a more camp way but without being obvious because if Capaldi gets wind of what they are up to he’ll head-butt their souls clear out of their bodies.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that they would have to go some to out camp some previous versions of the Daleks. “The 60s were an inherently camp decade at the best of times and the Daleks would reflect that. For instance in The Chase there is the Dalek that sounds like it’s trying to be all butch to impress the others but is actually pretty harmless. He meets a sticky end at the business end of Barbara’s cardigan and I always feel a little sorry for him. Then there were the Daleks in Destiny of the Daleks who were so camp that they managed to make the disco camp Movellans look tough and menacing.”

“I’m surprised that Capaldi hasn’t

cottoned on to be honest.” Said Incider. “You would have thought that calling it Into the Dalek would have been a red flag. I know Ste-mo have taken a week off from Saturday and is planning to spend the time in an undisclosed location learning krav maga in the hope that he can defend himself once Capaldi has actually watched it.”

Underworld Reboot To Be Just As Terrible As You’d Expect

Arse not pictured

Arse not pictured

Producers of the forthcoming Underworld reboot have confirmed that it will be just as terrible as what has come before. Producer Dan Inzider was keen to put people’s minds at rest.

 “I’ve seen a lot of concern that our rebooting of the franchise might lead to some sort of upswing in quality or storytelling. I want everyone to rest assured that we have made a firm commitment to producing a product every bit as stylishly half-baked as the original. People who come to see an Underworld film have certain expectations and we certainly don’t want to ruin the franchise’s reputation by actually meeting them.”

Film historian Mike Oats said that there was a very definite progression in the original franchise’s storytelling. “Underworld is Len Wiseman’s story about how good Kate Beckinsale’s arse looks in PVC. Underworld: Evolution is Len Wiseman’s story of how good his wife Kate Beckinsale’s arse looks in PVC. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the Patrick Tatopoulos’ story of how he couldn’t afford Kate Beckinsale but Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen will happily do any work you throw at them. Underworld: Awakening is the tale of how Kate Beckinsale can no longer afford to be as fussy about roles as she used to be and her arse still looks great in PVC.”

Reaction on Twitter was ablaze with indifference with regular user @DancyBanjo45 saying “Underworld is certainly my favourite PVC clad arse franchise where other things also happen.” then later added “Holy shit! Has it got vampires and werewolves in it? I honestly didn’t notice.”

Rob Liefeld Petitioned to Fix Spider-Woman #1 Cover

Three red sharpies were sacrificed to make this travesty.

Three red sharpies were sacrificed to make this travesty.

The cover of Spider-Woman #1 has been deemed so ridiculously bad that Marvel readers have started a petition to have Rob Liefeld redraw it.

Comic fan Greg Bones said “That cover is one of the worst things I have ever seen. Her hair appears to go all around her head like she’s a lion and her left arm appears to be coming out of her neck. It’s like everyone on that book slept through the 90s”

“Liefeld may be terrible but we’ve come to enjoy his shocking attempts at depicting the human form in an almost academic way. His work resembles caveman paintings only less accurate. Like caveman paintings they represent a bygone age of art where you could get regularly paid for artwork like that rather than being laughed out of the office.”

“Say what you like about Liefeld but he wore his incompetence on his sleeve. When he decided that he didn’t want to draw feet he’d just have the legs taper off rather than hiding them behind an arse that looks like it has had for more attention lavished upon it than the rest of the picture.”

The petition has around 12,000 signatures and is growing by the day. Liefeld has said that if the petition is successful then he might even buy a new pencil or at the very least sharpen one of his old ones.

Bones is hopeful about the possible results. “I’m hoping for loads of black lines to emphasise how gritty it is and at least 8 or 9 pouches. Ideally with Deadpool’s face on them.”

Actor Cast As Tom Baker Won Lengthy Drinking Contest

"Bring it!"

“Bring it!”

The producers of a film about Tom Baker’s life have said that they have cast their leading man. While the team behind The Letter have yet to reveal his identity they have have confirmed that the successful actor did have to endure an extensive drinking session through Tom Baker’s old haunts in Soho.

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton has worked on the pre production of the film as a consultant and prepared the drinking contest. “I sat down and watched every episode of Tom’s run as the Doctor and managed to approximately calculate how much alcohol he had consumed in any given scene. I then worked this out as a mean average per season and from there calculated how much alcohol the successful applicant had to consume and still give a coherent performance without swaying or slurring. I don’t want to reveal the exact amount but suffice to say it was considerable and we had our doubts that it could be done at all by a modern actor.”

As the Tom Baker drunk Olympics commenced the applicants were given several challenges to perform as they gradually sacrificed their livers for a months work. “They would be assessed on how much gin they could consume during the time of a recording break while managing to stay the right side of bohemian. How quickly they could get a female work colleague to politely describe him as ‘Occasionally difficult to work with.’ and finally they were given a copy of the script of The Nightmare of Eden and told to come up with the most creatively insulting epithets about Director Adrian Bromly.”

By the end of proceedings the film had its Tom Baker. It also had 4 visits to A + E, 12 arrests for drunken disorderly, 15 black eyes and 1 accusation of public nudity from Tom Baker himself who had heard about the contest and had decided to throw down. Hexton has described the day as “The best and worst day of my life.”

Moffat Told He Can’t Pit Cumberbatch Against Capaldi In Deathmatch

Old timey photo of what definitely won't be happening.

Old timey photo of what definitely won’t be happening.

Steven Moffat has been told in no uncertain terms that he can’t film Benedict Cumberbatch and Peter Capaldi fighting to the death in gladiatorial combat to appease the masses on the internet.

Moffat’s assistant, Anne Incider, said. “Ste-mo has been researching this for weeks. He had finally narrowed it down to Cumberbatch being a Retiarius who fights with a net and trident while Capaldi was going to be a Dimachaerus who fights with a sword in each hand. I say research, he spent hours watching Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Even now he comes into the office in the morning saying things like ‘By Jupiter’s Cock I could do with a coffee’ and I just sigh, make him a cup of Mellow Birds and browse the internet looking for a new job.”

It seems that Ste-mo faced opposition from his Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss. “When Mark found out what Ste-mo was planning he was furious and walked straight into his office while Ste-mo was watching Spartacus: Vengence and threw a stapler at him. I heard him shout ‘This is our livelihood you posturing ignoramus. Why in heavens name would you would you attempt to have two civilised, grown men try to kill each other. There are days I can’t wait until I toss you down the front steps of this building and move my stuff into your office.’. He then threw the complete Spartacus box set out of the window and went back to his day of making quality documentaries about horror.”

While his main plan has been foiled this hasn’t stopped Ste-mo from thinking outside the box. “He’s made a prototype for something that is basically Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots but using Sherlock and Doctor Who action figures. He got thrown out of the Dragon’s Den studio for insisting that Deborah Meaden take him on. When she reluctantly did and he won he ran around the studio yelling ‘Who’s out now Bitch!’ until Duncan Bannatyne headbutted him.”

Ste-mo is currently on the Doctor Who world tour where he is also seeking alternative funding for his new venture which he has christened Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Emotionally Distant Maverick Intellectuals.

Farscape Fans Baffled By Film They Didn’t Ask For

The cast are barely able to contain their indifference.

The cast are barely able to contain their indifference.

Fans of the sci-fi TV series Farscape have found themselves confused and bewildered by the news that the cast are to return in a new film.

Long-time fan Lillian Doyle said. “I’m having trouble wrapping my head around it. We all thought it was done and dusted and we were happy to move on. Farscape: The PeaceKeeper Wars pretty much wrapped it all up. No one felt that there wasn’t a sense of closure. I have no idea how to react to this news in a way that isn’t polite disinterest.”

On Twitter @Dancybanjo45 said “Um…Yeah…OK I guess.” before later collecting his thoughts a bit better and saying “Has someone got us confused with Browncoats? We’re kind of alright without a Farscape film to be honest.”

Media commentator Rob Fishman speculated. “This is probably Guardians of the Galaxy‘s fault. Once again Marvel have managed to make every other studio void their bowels in panic and are now they’re rushing to copy them like Marvel is the first kid at school to wear loom bands. I’d lay even money on someone commissioning a Blake’s 7 film by the end of the year. Everyone wants to cash in on the “roguish space maverick” dollar and they are willing to resurrect any old shit to do it no matter how little sense it makes.”

When asked if she would actually watch the Farscape film Lillian Doyle just stared off into space for a moment before saying. “Um…Do I have to? Maybe. Perhaps. Depends if it clashes with something else. As far as I can make out no one is in a hurry to see this with the possible exception of Ben Browder’s agent.”

Female Ghostbusters To Battle A Giant Spectral Fedora

Imagine this but florescent green and the size of Central Park

Imagine this but florescent green and the size of Central Park

Extracts have been leaked from the script for the all female reboot of Ghostbusters. The extracts are said to be from the climax of the film where the Ghostbusters must confront a spectral fedora that dominates the skies over Central Park.

The fedora is summoned by Vigo the Carpathian when he is confronted by the all woman team and is an ectoplasmic gestalt of dead chauvinists and nice guys. Studio executive Dan Inzider said. “The fedora will be a spiritual behemoth of male ignorance and self-delusion. It’ll be like 4chan and The Good Men Project merged and became a physical entity and started disgorging green ectoplasm and the occasional fireball.”

The Central Park based finale is one of several changes being made to mark this out as not just another remake. “We want this to be more than just a group of women reading the script from the original film. Although thinking about it if we did do that we would probably make just as much money. Probably should have thought of that before we commissioned a new script.”

The news of Ghostbusters being rebooted with an all female cast has not gone down well in some quarters. Long time Ghostbusters fan and man with a penis and testicles, Shane Dudeborough was particularly upset. “It’s completely ridiculous. How can a bunch of women possibly be effective against the spirit world. Women get too emotional when they are attacked by monsters and everyone knows that. Plus they dissipate ghosts when the menstruate so how could they ever hope to capture them?”

When asked by these objections Dan Inzider just chuckled. “Yes there will be a percentage of the audience that will absolutely hate the idea but they will still go and see it. They have to if they want to complain about it effectively and then we have their money. They don’t seem to understand that film studios don’t particularly care if you like a film just so long as you paid to watch it.”

When asked about the project Dan Aykroyd said “Yeah, sure, why not. Can I interest you in some vodka in a skull shaped bottle?”

JJ Abrams Shitting Himself After Watching Guardians Of The Galaxy

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams has had to take a day off from shooting Star Wars Episode VII after watching Guardians of the Galaxy and realising it is so much better than what he’s cooking up.

Anne Incider, Abrams Director of Lens Flare, said. “JJ thought it would be a giggle. We were all going to go sit in the theatre and have good old laugh at the guy who made Slither trying to make a fantasy/sci-fi epic. He said it would be like watching a 6 year old child trying to make the Venus Di Milo out of Play Doh. We’d give him a gold star for trying and all go back to making a proper film.”

“Then the film started and it just kept getting better and better. There was fun, excitement, snappy dialogue, well shot action you could actually follow and a sense of humour and fun running the whole way through it. Everyone else in the theater loved it despite the fact that they had played their marketing hand early instead of doing all that mystery box crap. By the end of the film JJ was in the foetal position rocking back and forth muttering to himself. I couldn’t hear properly but I could swear that he was saying ‘Spielberg will save me’ over and over again. For the record he won’t. he doesn’t return his calls these days.”

The following day on set Abrams was nowhere to be seen. “I found him in a broom cupboard shitting into a box with a question mark on it and waving a torch in his face. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was reminding himself why people love him. I quietly closed the door and gave everyone the day off. Mark Hamill was over the moon as he said that he was looking forward to beating his high score on Guitar Hero on a visit to Brighton pier.”

When Disney CEO Bob Iger was asked to comment on the situation he laughed like a Bond villain and said it was “Win fucking win baby!”. He then lit a comically huge cigar with a wad of $100 bills, said he loved it when a plan comes together and drove off in the A-Team van with Mr T who Iger now legally owns. Word has it that he makes Mr T call him Hannibal and he is in negotiations to buy custody of Dirk Benedict.