Archive | September 2014

Blade Runner 2 To Be Deliberately Shit Like Sharknado

A picture to remind you that Blade Runner is quite good.

A picture to remind you that Blade Runner is quite good.

Ridley Scott has confirmed that he intends to make Blade Runner 2 deliberately shit in order to cash in on the trend of people liking shit films ironically.

The decision was confirmed by studio spokesperson Dan Inzider. “After the whole Prometheus thing Ridley is used to his big sci-fi projects getting a hostile reception and a project like Blade Runner 2 is always going to attract the ire of people online. Especially those who are having visions of Harrison Ford limping about 2051 Los Angeles because his foot hasn’t healed up form slamming it in the Millennium Falcon’s garage door.”

“As he was taking a break from working on the screenplay he happened to be flipping channels and stumbled upon Sharknado 2 and he ended up watching it to the end. He said that he has a revelation by the time the credits rolled. Here he was agonising about the reception that he was going to get for this project and these Sharknado people had apparently rattled out a film over the course of a weekend and everyone loved them for it. He realised then that if he made Blade Runner 2 shit on purpose then everyone would fall over themselves to enjoy it ironically.”

Scott has apparently binned his original screenplay and his new script is provisionally entitled Blade Runner 2: Replicantphoon. Scott’s casting agent has said that she is in the process of contacting C. Thomas Howell, Don “The Dragon” Wilson, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and Tiffany for roles and refused to confirm rumours that Tommy Wissau has already been cast as Roy Batty.

Showbiz reporter Medcalf Van Cleef said it was a bold move that might pay off. “To be honest, if he had said that was his intention when he made Prometheus I think it would have been received much better. This might be the way forward for a number of Director’s who are withering under the gaze of former glories. Perhaps M. Night Shyamalan could do a sequel to Unbreakable starring Billy Baldwin and Debbie Gibson. That guys stock can surely go nowhere but up.”

Blade Runner 2: Replicantphoon will soon be in the hands of Harrison Ford for approval and then filming can start on Barry Island which will double for Los Angeles circa 2051.

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New Paranormal Activity Film To Feature Bits Taped Over With Eastenders

The container of all the world's evil!

The container of all the world’s evil!

New Paranormal Activity Film To Feature Bits Taped Over With Eastenders

The “found footage” genre is about to get a new lease of life next year with the release of the next entry in the Paranormal Activity franchise.

Currently titled Paranormal Activity: The Dump Tape, the film movie is set to redevelop the idea of the main characters filming spooky goings on in their house.

“The idea of the first Paranormal Activity film was great but the execution never really worked for me” explains director Gregory Plotkin “I always watched that film and thought, ‘There’s no way that tape wouldn’t have bits of old rubbish on it or perhaps a couple of badly cut out ad breaks’ and so I set about writing a script for The Dump Tape”

The film will focus on a family with lots of disposable income for video equipment and nothing to do but slouch around the house complaining about odd sounds. Like an episode of Most Haunted minus Derek Acorah and with 100% more bad DIY.

But the real twist is in the format as Plotkin explains…

“What I’m planning to have is a whole terrifying sequence when our lead character is about to be pulled out of bed by a supernatural force, which happens a lot, and then cut to static followed by twenty minutes of Eastenders. Specifically an episode when Lofty thinks he’s lost Den’s dog Rolly. There’s also a possibility that if we can get an 18 rating we may include a couple of barely discernible scenes recorded from a scrambled porn channel and an advert for Meow Mix”

But it’s not just VHS nostalgia on the screen “We have a moment when our main character is looking for some sellotape to put over the recording tab on the tape in a hurry” smiles Plotkin

Paranormal Activity 5: The Dump Tape is out Oct 2015

Missing Episodes Of The Daleks Masterplan To Be Reconstructed With Sock Puppets

Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System

Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System

1960s Doctor Who epic The Daleks Masterplan is to be released on DVD with its 10 missing episodes being reconstructed using sock puppets.

2 Entertain spokesperson Dan Inzider said “This is a story that many fans would like to finally see on screen but so little of it actually exists that animating 10 episodes would have been too costly. We sat down and looked at the options and it became clear that sock puppetry was the most cost effective way to realise this dream.”

Inzider said that the socks will be purchased at a local branch of Sports Soccer along with the ping pong balls that will be used for the eyes. “It’s really good value in there. You can get 5 pairs for a quid. I might pick some up for myself. We already have an old mop head kicking about somewhere that we can use for William Hartnell’s hair.”

Doctor Who fan Greg Bones was conflicted about the announcement. “As happy as I am that The Daleks Masterplan is coming to DVD I’m not sure that sock puppets are the right way to go. I would have preferred rod puppets myself but if money is an issue then could they not do something with folded paper?”

Peter Purves and Jean Marsh have been contacted to see if they would be willing to operate their sock puppet selves in order to lend greater authenticity to the reconstruction. “Purves said that he would be interested which we are grateful for. We thought that an actress of Jean Marsh’s calibre would be more difficult to secure but her agent told that once she agreed to do Willow all bets were off as far as creative integrity were concerned.”

If these new reconstructions are well received then plans are already in place for a sock puppet based reconstruction of The Macra Terror with jars of crab paste filling gin for the titular monsters.  

Microsoft Reveal Windows 9’s New Mining Interface

On the plus side you get to twat this smug bastard with a massive hammer.

On the plus side you get to twat this smug bastard with a massive hammer.

Microsoft Corp revealed at an exclusive event today the new Windows 9.

The popular operating system was previewed by head of Xbox development Phil Spencer. Spencer unveiled a number of new features. The biggest of which is that Explorer has been renamed Miner.

“Its revolutionary” exclaims Spencer “The Miner interface offers a true tactile exploratory experience. Firstly, your files are hidden for security and the only way you can uncover them is using a new search tool we’ve nicknamed the “pick axe” which is only acquired after a few hours of working on “trees”

The interface is certainly unique, with the desktop looking like vomit in a toy box full of Lego. But with rumours that hackers with early access to the source code have created the “Creeper” virus which randomly and silently blows data away as well as the “Enderman Virus” which does nothing unless you look at it, why should we upgrade? Spencer is quick to play down the security breach rumours.

“There’s nothing to worry about” he smiles “We’ve taken all precautions, though there are some known bugs such as Spiders and a cow might nick your file path, but we’re working on that”

Initial impressions of Windows 9 (which Microsoft are currently titling Windows Min9) is that frankly it’s a pointless time sink and the biggest achievement one got from using it was building a gigantic 200ft high golden cock out of excel files

Moffat Announces That Season 8 Will Homage Legendary Doctor Who Writer Steven Moffat

Steven Moffat shown here drunk on his own success and a fuck load of free champagne.

Steven Moffat shown here drunk on his own success and a fuck load of free champagne.

Steven Moffat had declared that season 8 of Doctor Who will be a homage the work of Steven Moffat.

Doctor Who production assistant Anne Incider said the project was very close to his heart. “Ste-Mo says that one writer has been a huge influence on his work and he wanted to acknowledge and pay tribute to Ste-Mo and all the wonderful stories he has gifted the world.”

Incider confirmed that Listen was designed specifically to homage the work of ‘Ste-Mo the Great’ as he apparently insists on being addressed around the office. “It had all the classic Ste-Mo tropes that have been such an influence on Ste-Mo. There’s going back in a main characters timeline and meeting them as a child, a nebulous threat based on childhood fears that you can escape by doing something simple, women being either fawned over or insulted because apparently those are the only two choices when speaking to a woman and of course several direct references to Ste-Mo’s masterpiece Day of the Doctor.”

For those who object to the idea of Ste-Mo serving up a narrative bubble and squeak of his last three years in charge Incider says that it could have been so much worse. “Originally the mysterious monsters were going to be called the Laughing Demons and there was going to be a little girl in a radiation suit who asked people ‘Who is my Daddy?” until someone sat him down with a copy of Scum and explained why that would be an awful idea.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that homages of well-known writers is nothing new. “Many stories during the Tom Baker era were homages to writers like Mary Shelly, Robert Louis-Stevenson and Bram Stoker. No one has yet had the audacity to homage their own work on the show unless you count Terry Nation using exactly the same script with the plot beats shuffled about a bit. People don’t appreciate how much hard work that would be back then in the days before copy, paste and find and replace.”

Incider said that season 8 will continue to homage his own work next week. “That mysterious bespectacled woman in a suit from Time Heist is a homage to the mysterious, bespectacled suit wearing character of Missy. A character that will definitely be considered a classic and not the latest in a long line of Moffat created stern, female authority figures that makes you wonder whether he enjoys a whipping from Mistress Pain at the weekends.”

New Batmobile Is A Pain In The Ass to Wash

Not the car Batman needs but the one he deserves.

Not the car Batman needs but the one he deserves.

The new Batmobile as revealed by Zack Snyder for Superman Vs Batman: Or Possibly the Other Way Around has been deemed and absolute pain in the ass to wash.

The claim was made by a group of collage cheerleaders who were running a charity bikini carwash not far from Warner Bros. studios where Synder is currently working on his hotly anticipated epic, slow-motion fuck up.

Cheerleader Barbie Kowalchick said she was less than impressed with the latest design for Batman’s main transport of choice. “The damn thing rolls up with Bon Jovi playing at full volume and the guy driving says his name is Zak Snyder like that’s supposed to impress me or something. We spent an hour trying to get it clean what with all the spiky bits and moving turrets and stuff. We lost out on a bunch of customers who got fed up waiting while we lost sponges in that monstrous behemoth.”

Reports then came in that after attending the carwash Snyder then took the Batmobile to a White Castle drive through and then parked in a disabled space at Walmart where he was heard to say he was going to “Buy his weight in brewskis”.

Kowalchick wasn’t surprised to hear these reports. “I think he was out to prove something. He kept muttering about some guy called Joss and how he doesn’t have a cool car. I don’t think it was that cool. The 1966 Batmobile was far more appealing and its classic, elegant lines would have been a pleasure to run a sponge over. The same thing could also be said of Adam West.”

Rumours that Snyder was eventually found doing donuts in the studio car park while swigging beer and playing the theme tune of The Dukes of Hazzard at full volume until the car ran out of fuel and security could beat the shit out of him have been denied by Warner Bros.

Casting Benedict Cumberbatch Is Utterly Pointless

Why Bother?

Why Bother?

The internet officially declared its lack of interest in Benedict Cumberbatch’s future projects. His name being connected to new films is such a foregone conclusion as to become mundane.

“He’s been connected to so many projects now that his name had essentially become meaningless.” said showbiz reporter Medcalf Van Cleef. “Saying Benedict Cumberbatch is involved in your picture is like saying that it’s going to have sound or be filmed colour. Sure there was a time when that might have been a new and exciting prospect but now it’s so mundane that people just expect it as standard.”

Film fan Greg Bones said “I’ve developed this eye twitch that happens every time Cumberbatch’s name is connected to a new project. It’s got so bad that I now have to wear an eye patch to stop myself from getting punched on the tube. On the plus side I now look like Nick Fury so it’s not all bad news.” While @DancyBanjo45 said “Cumberbatch has become such a fixture that even his name has stopped being funny. Honestly, what’s the fucking point in living anymore?”

Cumberbatch’s inexplicably popular turn as Indian Star Trek villain Khan Noonien Singh has led to an explosion of popularity in Hollywood who are now see him as a bankable star in any role regardless of race. There have been reports of him being cast in future biopics of Martin Luther King, Sitting Bull and Gandhi. “Benedict is a valuable asset” Said studio casting director Anne Incider. “He can play any race and for some reason people don’t question it. I’m hoping he’s cast as Al Jolson at some point because that will just confuse the shit out of people.”

None of that is of any interest to Greg Bones. “Cumberbatch is now the magnolia of actors. It’s everywhere because it’s safe and neutral but no one actually likes it and it is changed for something more interesting at the first opportunity. On an unrelated note I wonder what Idris Elba is up to at the moment?”