Archive | October 2014

Cumberbatch Confirms He Will Suck At Being Doctor Strange

The Sorcerer Supreme Ladies and Gentlemen!

The Sorcerer Supreme Ladies and Gentlemen!

Benedict Cumberbatch had said that whether or not he ends up getting the part he’s pretty certain he’ll make for a terrible Doctor Strange.

Cumberbatch’s agent, his cousin Juniperella Tendersnatch, said “Benny knows that he probably isn’t the right person for the part and he’s a little baffled that they asked him to play it. The last time I saw him this confused by a job offer was when JJ Abrams asked him if he would like to play a genetically enhanced Sikh that was originally played by Ricardo Montalban. He spent a week pacing about his house in his dressing gown sipping camomile tea and shouting for Mrs Hudson. He took the part in the end because after all Benny has to eat but between takes he just looked confused. Like he’d arrived at a wedding wearing the wrong kind of tie.”

It seems that Cumberbatch is unsure what he’s going to bring to the table as Steven Strange. “Benny has been looking at the other Marvel films and can’t fathom what he had to offer them. It’s not like they have a shortage of white men that moisten Tumblr. It can’t be the British angle either as Hiddleston has that sown up so he can’t see what they would want him for. He can only assume it’s because he is ever so slightly paler and he’s not entirely comfortable with that.”

“At the end of the day if they offer him the part I’ll persuade him to take it because it will be good for his profile. Plus Ste-mo has given me some cash to keep Benny as busy as possible. Apparently the longer people have to wait for new Sherlock the more worn out old toss he can get away with because people will be so glad it’s back that they won’t pay much attention to the script. That’s his theory anyway, can’t say I’m convinced myself but money is money and at the end of the day Benny has to eat.”

Entertainment journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said “it’s as bad as I feared. Cumberbatch is spreading through film franchises like an upper-middle class Ebola virus. It seems that Hollywood wants to encourage racial diversity be hiring increasingly pale men and Benedict Cumberbatch is the pasty, posh man that they currently can’t get enough of. I fear the only way we can topple him from his throne is to find a handsome, British albino who can deliver a definitive Richard III.”

“I know Benny has to eat but does he have to earn enough to only eat swan?”

Interstellar To Be The Most Visually Striking Film You Are Bored Shitless By

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A Warner Brothers press release has made the bold statement that Christopher Nolan’s Sci-fi epic Interstellar is the most visually striking and hauntingly beautiful film that you’ll be utterly bored by.

Warners Spokesperson D

an Inzider said the test screenings were a clear indicator. “I’d say the attention of about 10% of the audience stated to wander the moment Matthew McConaughey wanders on screen because some people still haven’t forgiven him for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Another 5% drifted off when Michael Caine appeared and I heard someone say ‘Really? Again?'”

As the film went on more and more people started shuffling uncomfortably in their seats. By the time anyone actually ended up in space their was audible snoring going on. At least until Chris deployed the Hans Zimmer foghorn and they suddenly leapt out if their seats. Truth be told that’s why Chris uses him. It’s the only way I got through Inception.

Entertainment journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said that Nolan was a unique film maker. “Nolan had cornered the market in films that people remember very little about other than it looked quite good. It’s like a Jedi mind trick except that it lasts 3 odd hours and you’d be well served to have a catheter fitted before buying the popcorn.”

“I can see why Warners’ marketing department love him. He must be the easiest guy to sell. All you have to do is say ‘Come see the latest film from the man who brought you the last film you watched that you don’t remember much of but know you didn’t hate.’ then you just watch people bumble obediently into theatres, bill and coo at the pretty pictures and then stumble home confused as though they’ve just sat through 3 hours of audio visual Rohypnol.”

When Inzider was presented with this scenario he just nodded “Yup, that’s pretty much the size of it. Truth be told you could throw twenty bucks out of a window and have a 3 hour nap and have exactly the same experience but then you couldn’t pontificate about its deeper meaning in wine bars afterwards.”

Man Indifferent To Avengers Teaser Removed From Society

They know where you live!

They know where you live!

A man in Barnsley has found himself socially ostracised for daring to suggest that the teaser trailer for the Avengers: Age of Ultron wasn’t all that exciting.

Phil Dibble, a 31 year old paralegal, commented on Twitter that he had seen the teaser and he declared that it was “Not all that”.

Dibble has said that he has since come to regret what he now considers poorly chosen words. “It started on the way to work. I saw my next door neighbours’ dog who is normally so friendly and he started to bark and growl at me. I was a little shocked but I didn’t think much of it. Then I noticed that people were staring at me. I wondered if I had my fly open or something but after checking several times I knew that wasn’t the case.”

“Then I stopped at the corner shop to pick up the paper and I normally say good morning to the bloke behind the counter but he looked really unhappy to see me and handed me my pack of Marlboro like it had been dipped in goat urine.”

“Once I reached the station I noticed that people were avoiding standing next to me. Despite the crowded platform I had no one near me in a 3 metre radius. When I got on the train the carriage I was in emptied. Everyone stood up and filled the connected ones to the point of overcrowding. As they walked past I’m sure I heard people muttering things like “twat” and “wanker” and I know for a fact that one guy did the list loser sneeze.”

Once I arrived at work my boss called me into his office and said that he was going to have to let me go. He said he couldn’t keep anyone on who had such a negative attitude and didn’t appreciate quality when he saw it. I was fired with immediate effect and security escorted me from the building.”

“I was so shocked and upset by this that I phoned my wife. She seemed very annoyed with my call and once I’d told her about my day she said “Well what do you expect?”. She then told me that she was leaving me for my friend Geoff who had told her that the Avengers: Age of Ultron teaser was awesomeballz or something and that the Hulkbuster armour was “the tits”. As I was reeling from this news a child ran up to me and kicked me in the shins.”

“I needed some money so I went to the cash machine but my card kept being rejected. I went into the branch and the manager walked straight out and said that my account had been closed as I clearly couldn’t be trusted to make decisions as a consumer. I started to object but the police had already been called and I was escorted from the building.”

By the end of the day Dibble had lost his wife, job, home and money and had to spend the night sleeping under a railway bridge during a terrible storm.

When asked about Dibble’s situation Disney executive Anne Incider said “Excellent, we have invested a lot of money and technology to make sure people react to the Marvel cinematic universe in the correct way. Of course there are always going to be a few people who slip through the cracks but the behavioural adjustments we have made to the general population will weed out anyone showing signs of individuality and see that they are effectively punished and in no position to affect the box office of our product.”

“If you think this shit is dark wait until we release the teaser for Star Wars Episode VII.”

Argument Over What Shade of Blue Superman’s Costume Should Be Enters Historic 6th Month

Apparently this shade of blue is known as "frozen corpse"

Apparently this shade of blue is known as “frozen corpse”

The creative team behind Superman Vs Batman and Everyone Else are have entered their 6th month of intense and bitter conflict over what shade of blue Superman’s costume should be.

Executive Vice President of Colour, Shading and Hue, Dan Inzider, said that this is the longest dispute he has ever been involved with. “The only argument that comes close to the scale of this was during the development of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when there were disagreements over how pasty Lord Voldemort should be. Eventually we had to send JK Rowling several different brands of wall filler and asked her to pick the one that she thought best embodied the essence of the Dark Lord.”

“This puts that argument in the shade. The general consensus was that it was far too dark last time but the argument has been how much to lighten it up. Zack Snyder wants to go full on Christopher Reeve costume blue but the studio are resisting as they seem to think that was the reason Superman Returns did so badly which frankly proves that they haven’t watched Superman Returns recently. The studio made a counteroffer which was to suggest police box blue as they have seen Doctor Who become more popular in the U.S. and they are hoping to jump on that bandwagon.”

To enable filming while these negotiations continue Henry Cavill is currently wearing a magnolia Superman costume that will be digitally recolored in post-production once all parties have come to an agreement on the final shade. However, this is causing a new series of problems on set.

Production Assistant Anne Incider said “The issue is that frankly he looks like a giant cock in a cape. There is no getting around it and no one can keep a straight face. When Afflek first caught sight of him he was laughing so hard that he passed out in the batsuit because the batsuit wasn’t designed to accommodate hilarity. Jason Momoa says he keeps having Game of Thrones flashbacks and Gail Gadot just seems very distracted and a might wistful.”

Meanwhile Dan Inzider says that he currently doesn’t see an end in sight. “It has got to the point where I’m actually sick of the sight of the colour blue to the point that the very sight of it is making me irrationally angry. I was at the beach the other day and I actually tried to punch the sea and when the police arrived it was like adding fuel to the fire. I’m due in court next week but lawyer says that the instant the judge learns that I work for Warner Brothers my insanity plea will accepted in a heartbeat.”

X-Men: Age Of Apocalypse Casting Director Just Can’t Be Bothered Anymore

"Let's just paint this guy blue!"

“Let’s just paint this guy blue!”

Juliana Truscott, the casting agent on X-Men: Age of Apocalypse, has admitted that she just can’t be bothered anymore as news has emerged that Tom Hardy has been approached for the role of the titular villain.

According to studio spokesperson Dan Inzider this is a situation that has been coming for a long time. “I remember when we began on X-Men: First Class and she was full of fresh ideas. Jennifer Lawrence was an up and coming star who made a great Mystique. Nicholas Hoult was a left field choice for Beast but suited the role really well and Fassbender was the perfect Magneto.”

“Then Bryan Singer came in for X-Men: Days of Future Past and suddenly half the parts had already been cast from films made 15 years ago. Sure, she got to cast Peter Dinklage as Trask but everyone loves that guy. She could cast him as Apocalypse and I don’t think that anyone would bat an eyelid.”

Now that Singer is firmly back in charge of the X-Men franchise as though the last 15 years of comic book adaptations never happened Inzider says that this film has even less casting to do.

“I was there when they met to discuss the casting of Apocalypse. Singer came bounding in giggling to himself because he said he’d heard a rumour that Marvel were going to start making their own films and he thought that was hilarious and said that they would never get it off the ground. Before I could find a copy of Avengers Assemble’s box office takings and try to bring him up to speed on the last decade and a half of comic based film making he started on about casting Apocalypse and how it needed to be some big, impressive guy. Juliana just lazily waved a picture of Tom hardy dressed as Bane at him and he declared it ‘Amazesause’. He then raised his hand for a high five which she didn’t respond to in one of the most awkward ten minutes I have ever witnessed. Eventually he wondered off saying that he was trying to find out about that Ghostrider film he’d heard about to see if it was going to be as ‘totally rad’ as he thought it was going to be.”

Entertainment reporter Medcalf Van Cleef said that this was a growing problem in Hollywood. “This is a problem that goes beyond typecasting. You only have to look at Tom Hardy’s CV to know that he is an actor of huge range and talent but because he played a really big bloke in that one film that made a ton of money despite everyone hating it he is now the go to guy to play big blokes in films that Hollywood knows that no one will like but want them to make money anyway. Why else would you cast him as Mad Max?”

Tom Hardy was unavailable for comment as he is currently on a fighting tour of Siberian prisons for ITV 4

David Lynch Relaunches Twin Peaks To Pay Tax Bill For Orphanage.

He's on a mission from god.

He’s on a mission from god.

David Lynch has announced that he is getting the cast of Twin Peaks back together in order to raise enough money to pay the tax bill for the orphanage he grew up in.

Lynch’s publicist Dan Inzider said that Lynch felt compelled to help. “David paid a visit to his old orphanage and was overjoyed to see that the unnecessarily violent nun who taught him as a boy was still there. After beating him for ten minutes with a comically oversized ruler she eventually admitted that the orphanage had received a large tax bill that they couldn’t afford to pay.”

“David felt terrible about this and was explaining the situation to his fellow Twin Peaks creator Mark Frost when he suddenly had a revelation. They could get the cast back together and make some new episodes. The demand would be high and what they made they could give the orphanage.”

Apparently Lynch and Frost went on a quest persuade the rest of the cast to reform to make some new Twin Peaks. “They found Sheryl Lee and Lara Flynn Boyle performing scenes from the first series for minimum wage plus tips in some dingy nightspot in Fresno. They managed to talk Ray Wise into leaving both his wife and successful diner business after performing an extravagant song and dance number to Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart. The hardest part was tracking down Everett McGill who had quit acting and was working as a maitre d’ in some fancy restaurant. David and Mark showed up acting all uncouth and threatened to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner there every day until he agreed to do it.”

There are now rumours that Lynch and Frost have incurred the wrath of a group of neo Nazis, a country and western band, a heavily armed ex-girlfriend of Lynch and the Police Department of Chicago as the drive across the US in their reconditioned police car while wearing sunglasses.

Kyle MacLachlan has confirmed that he will work for food.