Archive | November 2014

Star Wars Pre Pre Trailer Débuts As Flick Book

Blink and you'll miss Mon Mothma

Blink and you’ll miss Mon Mothma

JJ Abrams has launched a pre pre trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens in the form a flick book drawn by Jett Lucas. Fans have been queuing for 3 days straight outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre for their turn to see Jett Lucas flick his way through his interpretation of some key scenes which he has drawn in biro on an old, Lucasfilm branded, Post-it note block.

The flick book, which has a runtime of 3.8 seconds, is said to feature flashes of key scenes but no one knows what they may be as before it can be watched fans much sign a non-disclosure clause in their own blood.

Long-time Star Wars fan Clint Planetslayer (formerly Dan Edwards) said that it was a transcendent experience. “I can’t tell you what I saw or Jett Lucas will take my soul but I can tell you how I felt about it. I am complete in a way that I never realised it was possible to be. I wish all of humanity could know the joy I currently hold in my heart as it would be the end of all wars and intolerance.”

Disney’s Executive Vice President of Emotional Manipulation, Anne Incider, said that the sense of exclusivity in viewing the flick book was what had made so many fans so eager to see it. “If there is one thing that Star Wars fans love it is exclusive content you have to go to great lengths to see. We talked over a few ideas such as having the trailer be available as a 3D view-master disc that you could only see if you went to a particular Denny’s in Utah.”

When asked about Jett Lucas’ involvement Incider says that it was important to JJ Abrams. “JJ was keen to keep George around as there are some people who still think that he is actually relevant to Star Wars. He also wanted to have Jett closely involved to show the passing of the torch to the next generation. Plus Jett had finished emptying the bins and cleaning the gum off of Mark Hamill’s shoes so he was at a loose end.”

Entertainment Journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said this was the latest in a long tradition of film studios cocking about with trailers. “The trailer used to be about getting you to want to watch the film. These days’ studios care more about internet buzz and will do anything to get it. I hear that for Prometheus 2 there is going to be an exclusive video of the meeting to discuss what to include for the pre trailer before the trailer. This will include a 5 minutes section where Ridley Scott goes for a loud and aggressive shit while insisting on leaving the stall door open so he doesn’t miss anything.”

There is no word yet on when the full official trailer will be released but Anne Incider said that they would look to pick just the right moment. “Ideally you should look out for the full trailer on the day that Warner Brothers try to announce something that they laughably think might be of interest to anyone. That is when we shall strike!”


Scots To Play Everyone But Scottish People In The Highlander Remake

"There can be only one you wee jessie!"

An early costume test.

The remake of Highlander is looking to cast the cream of Scottish acting talent but Director Cedric Nicolas-Troyan has no intention of casting them as Scottish people.

Nicolas-Troyan’s casting assistant Dan Inzider said that this was a deliberate homage to the original film. “If there is one thing that the original Highlander proved it’s that people have no interest in Scots playing people from Scotland. That film has become a huge cult favourite despite Christopher Lambert sounding about as Scottish as Che Guevara. This is even truer of Braveheart, if you used that accent in Glasgow on a Saturday night someone would rightly assume you were taking the piss and hand you your own lungs. Do it in a film for nearly 3 hours and they hand you an Oscar. Then of course there is Simon Pegg in Star Trek which is about as close as you get to Scottish blackface without wearing a ginger wig and a tam o’ shanter. The bottom line is that if you want your Scotland based film to be successful the last thing you want to do is have actual Scots being Scottish in it.”

Despite this Inzider is looking to cast a number of high profile Scottish actors. “I’m currently talking to Ewan McGregor’s people about the part of a foppish, immortal French Duke and James Mcavoy’s agent for the role of a no nonsense Chicago cop, Karen Gillan is going to be the Queen of Spain and John Hannah has already agreed to play a hillbilly alligator breeder. That’s what is so great about Scottish actors. They are really good at doing accents that aren’t Scottish.”

There are rumours that Tom Cruise is circling the project for the mentor role originally made famous by Sean Connery. “We’re very keen for Tom to be a part of this project.” Says Inzider. “Part of the reason his character has survived so long is because he is so short that every attempt to decapitate him literally goes over his head. It makes his eventual death all the more tragic.”

Entertainment journalist Mecalf Van Cleef said that Cruise’s involvement wouldn’t surprise him. “Tom has a history of success with genre films and I can see that this is something that would interest him. I think the thing that would clinch it would be if they added a scene where his character has to sprint towards the camera as fast as he can. He does love to run free like a stallion.”

When asked about the casting of non-Scottish actors in Scottish roles Aberdeen resident Fergus Glennie said “They’re aff their heeds if they cast that glaikit wee heid-the-baw. That load a twanny scunners can kiss ma mawkit behooky!” Inzider has promised to respond to the criticism once someone explains what Glennie actually said.

Bruce Campbell Will Have No Idea He’s In The Evil Dead TV Show

Poor bastard has no idea what's in store for him.

Poor bastard has no idea what’s in store for him.

Bruce Campbell will have no idea that he is in an Evil Dead TV series. The current plan is to film the show documentary style and have a series of performers dressed as deadites attacking Campbell at random with increasing frequency and ferocity until he has no choice but to defend himself.

Dan Inzider, Starz Vice President of Tits and Gore, said that this approach was the brainchild of Executive Producer Sam Raimi. “Sam wants a feeling of reality and immediacy to the show. A kind of slow burning tension that you can’t do on film. The viewer will never be quite sure when Bruce will be attacked next or how he will react when he is. Also Sam has been mentally torturing and abusing Bruce since high school and there was no way he was going to turn down the opportunity to give Bruce the hardest pranking of his life.”

Inzider said that Starz have been holding open auditions so Evil Dead fans can have the opportunity to attack their hero dressed as the rotting undead. “We thought that this would be a great way to get the fans involved and we have had a huge response, even when we made clear that they would have to sign a waiver that clears us of any responsibility should Bruce brutally cave their skulls in to defend his life. In fact there have been some who have been even more enthusiastic about taking part once they learned about that.”

One such hopeful was Barnard Fox who says that the possibility of being violently murdered by the terrified horror icon would be the chance of a lifetime. “Evil Dead has is my all-time favourite film and the chance to play a role in the TV show opposite my hero Bruce Campbell is too good an opportunity to pass up. If it means that he slices off me face with a chainsaw then it’s a small price to pay to be a part of horror history.”

When asked how they could possibly get away with having Campbell unwittingly murder his own fans Inzider just smiled. “We some VERY good lawyers. They are like law sorcerers. Seriously, you have no idea how many people we actually hacked to death while we made Spartacus and they made the whole thing go away. Compared to that this is small potatoes.”

Ash Vs The Evil Dead is due to hit screens in 2015 with the first batch of attempted lawsuits expected later that year.

CyberBrig To Randomly Kill Every Villain In Doctor Who From Now On

"Five rounds rapi...I mean DELETE!"

“Five rounds rapi…I mean DELETE!”

The Doctor Who production office has announced that the CyberBrig will appear at the end of every story from now on to kill the villain at the last minute and save the Doctor from actuality having to do anything.

Production Assistant Anne Incider said Ste-mo was very keen to write for the character of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart but faced some initial challenges. “He was going to have the Brigadier in series 5 but Nicholas Courtney inconsiderately died leaving Ste-mo in something of a bind. He used the character of Kate Stewart initially but he couldn’t get behind the character completely what with her being a woman who wasn’t some kind of stern, dominant, headmistress type that the Doctor can flirt with.”

“As such he decided to use the entire series 8 plot arc to contrive a way to bring the character back in such a way that he could ignore the fact that the actor has died. Once he hit upon the idea of the CyberBrig he basically reverse engineered the entire arc plot to make it happen plus it got him out of the corner he’d managed to write himself into again.”

Now that the CyberBrig is established Ste-mo has issued an edict saying that the character should be used in the conclusion of every story no matter how ridiculous his incision would be. “He knows that he had created the ultimate story get out clause. Whenever the Doctor finds himself in a difficult moral position CyberBrig can just rock up and blow the villain to smithereens. Of course if it’s just him doing it people might start to pick up on it so he has ordered every writer to use his new creation to solve the conclusion of the story.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that these were dark times. “I think what we are witnessing is one man becoming insane with power. Ste-mo is like the Caligula of Doctor Who now. I’ve heard he had Matthew Waterhouse dragged into his office and force feed barrels of wine and he’s turning up at Doctor Who themed weddings demanding to have his way with the happy couple.  I don’t know if anyone can stop him now. It’s Ste-mo wacky world now and we just live in it.”

Incider says that CyberBrig will form a large part of the season 10 arc. “Basically CyberBrig is going to jump into the Doctor’s timeline and kill each of his enemies while they are mid rant. Just imagine how glorious it will be to see him blow up Davros when he’s halfway through his virus speech or Soldeed 20 minutes into The Horns of Nimon while there is still some unchewed scenery left. Then he will release all the classic series in new CyberBrig special editions and have the original tapes wiped. There will be no Who except Ste-mo’s Who. All hail Emperor Ste-mo. Can I interest you in this Doctor Who branded Kool aid?”

Doctor Who Season Finale Flushes Out Bell-end Fans

Does this make you irrationally angry you bell-end? Good!

Does this make you irrationally angry you bell-end? Good!

Steven Moffat has been congratulated on writing and producing an episode of Doctor Who specifically designed to identify bell-ends in Doctor Who fandom.

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said it was a unique event. “I have to hand it to Ste-mo. It’s such a simple thing but it has easily identified serval people who I was on the fence about as unpleasant jerks so I owe him a vote of thanks in that score. Of course the true genius of it is the people who find themselves revealed to be bell-ends don’t seem to understand that they have been found out. The only thing in the show’s history that comes close is Dimensions in Time which I’m still sure was some sort of behavioural research project to find it how much people will put up with in the name of charity.”

“Let me just clarify for people who still don’t understand. If your reaction to the cliffhanger of Dark Water was to trawl through 50 odd years of the show’s history to prove that it is impossible in continuity or immediately make  tasteless transgender jokes then accuse people who call you on it of being intolerant, you are a bell-end and you have just revealed that to everyone.”

“I hasten to add that not liking the characterisation is something else entirely and people who don’t like the characterisation are clearly not bell-ends but if your acceptance or rejection of a character is based on nothing but the organs that character uses to procreate then not only are you a bell-end you’re frankly a bit peculiar.”

Not everyone agrees with this interpretation. Doctor Who ‘fan’ Shane Dudeborough feels quite differently. “It’s bullshit is what it is. We’ve never seen it happen before on screen so Moffat  has clearly changed the rules. I guess this means nothing in the 50 year history of the show actually counts anymore. The next thing you know he brings back Adric from the dead as some sort of androgynous hermaphrodite played by Benedict Cumberbatch. I don’t think he knows the damage he’s doing. How am I supposed to masturbate to Missy  now knowing that an image of Anthony Ainley dressed as Mary Poppins might pop into my head at the moment of climax? What would that say about me? I’m not emotionality equipped to ask these things off myself. Moffat doesn’t care about true Doctor Who fans.”

Podcaster Lillian Doyle thought it was great news. “I welcome this as a test case for a female Doctor. There’s no reason a woman can’t play the part and hopefully this should help prove that you can change the gender of a major character and still have it work.”

“Having said that this is Ste-mo we’re talking about so while I welcome the reveal I’m also expecting lots of cracks about about Missy’s appearance and she’ll probably be written as some sort of man hungry bunny boiler. After all he’s still Ste-mo.”