Leaked information from the Marvel press office has revealed that the marketing campaign for Ant-Man has been deliberately engineered to play up how amusing small things are so it’s eventually pitiful box office takings will seem like part of the gag.
The source of the leak, Dan Inzider, said it has all been carefully planned by Marvel’s Propaganda and Gullibility department. “We’ve all seen the footage and there has been some hand wringing as the feeling is that we have a dud on our hands. Then Someone said that Ant-Man having a smaller box office was kind of ironic and that set minds turning to how we could convince people to not only expect small things from Ant-Man but to think that they were a good thing.”
“So we released the trailer in a tiny format and that was very well received and then we released a tiny poster and people are really beginning to take to the idea that everything to do with Ant-Man will be small. By the time the film make barely enough money to cover Paul Rudd’s gym membership everyone will think it is the culmination of a well-executed series of tiny man gags.”
Disney’s Head of Publicity, Anne Incider, denies their subsidiary company is trying to put a positive slant on a poor film and further said that having the film underperform was always part of the plan. “We have a very complicated business strategy. We have huge whiteboards covered in all sorts of equations and connections to do with cause and effect. It looks like Stephen Hawking’s basement would if he ever became a serial killer. No one can know the complete plan or they will be driven instantly insane. Miley Cyrus stumbled upon the whole thing by accident and a fortnight later she was twerking about the place with her tongue hanging out so we sent her to the MTV awards where she was blending in nicely until she somehow got on the stage.”
“Of course Ant-Man was always intended to be a box office failure. Why else would we have originally hired Edgar Wright?”
DreamWorks studios are currently reeling from the revaluation that Scarlett Johansson isn’t Asian. DreamWorks have announced that Johansson has been cast in the leading role of their adaptation of well-known anime series Ghost in the Shell and the backlash has taken by surprise.
“We are completely taken aback.” Said Anne Incider, DreamWorks Executive Vice President of Cultural Appropriation. “I honestly didn’t realise. Are you absolutely sure she isn’t? I could have sworn she looks it a bit around the eyes.”
“We thought we’d hit a home run by casting an Asian actor that has real box office appeal because everyone loves Scar-Jo. I mean we’re not going to recast now we’ve found out, that would be box office suicide, but I give you my word that I will assign an intern to feel really guilty about it for a couple of days.”
Entertainment guru Medcalf Van Cleef said that this isn’t the first time that this sort of thing has happened. “Most studios think that if you have a face that doesn’t look like a Californian supermodel you must be from a different race. That race is just known as “foreign” with no actual understanding of the different cultures, beliefs and heritage. It’s exactly this kind of crap that gets Keanu Reeves linked with Akira and don’t even get me started on Benedict Cumberbatch, Earth’s whitest man, being cast as everyone from Khan Noonian Singh to Martin Luther King.”
When presented with this statement Anne Incider was incredulous. “Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t Asian either? This whole experience has certainly been an education for me. I don’t know as much about racial diversity as I thought I did. Though one thing that can say with confidence is that Asians are the people that you can’t get wet or feed after midnight…that’s right isn’t it?”
District 9 and Elysium director Neil Blomkamp has already set tongues wagging with his Alien concept art. Now it has been revealed that he has done many concept drawings for a gritty reboot of 80s alien based sitcom ALF.
The artwork depicts the cuddly looking alien Gordon Shumway being taken in by the Tanner family who christen him “ALF”. He then devours the whole family, one by one, in their sleep in what has been described as possibly being a biting satire of middle class white guilt or something.
Blomkamp’s agent, Dan Izider, said that his client was no longer working on the project. “Neil produced the artwork for a meeting with Warner Brothers. As the pictures became increasingly graphic several Warner’s executives had to leave the room and once Neil got to the drawing of ALF eating Willie Tanner’s intestines the Vice President of Reboots and Reimaginings vomited into a waste bin.”
Blomkamp had intended for Sharlto Copley to play ALF and Matt Damon had expressed interest in the role of Willie Tanner. Inzider says that he was initially disheartened at the reaction. “He was gutted until they told him that they were looking for something with a Scooby Doo vibe at which Neil just pissed himself laughing. Once he had managed to calm himself down a bit he asked if they had actually watched any of his films. They shifted uncomfortably and one of them said they had watched the trailer for District 9 a while back and he remembered it looking really funny. It was at that point Neil took his leave but not before throwing their espresso machine out of the window.”
Entertainment reporter Medcalf Van Cleef said that the movie going public have been denied a possible masterpiece. “ALF didn’t need remaking in any way, shape or form but if it were to be done what better way to make sure no one ever talks about fucking ALF ever again than by making it the most visceral and emotionally disturbing film ever made. Instead of this we are getting Chappie which I’m looking forward to but can’t take the title seriously as that is the name my wife has given to my penis.”