Archive | February 2015

New Alien Film To Be Longest, Most Expensive Fan Handjob In History

"Objection Overruled!"

“Objection Overruled!”

Verifiers from the Guinness Book of Records are observing the production of Neil Blomkamp’s new entry into the Alien franchise as they believe it may qualify as the longest, most expensive fan wank in history.

Lead Fact Inquisitor Anne Incider says that all the indicators are there for this to be a record beaker. “Obviously as soon as Blomkamp released his concept art we kept a close eye on him. Then when the film was announced I assigned a team Info-Novices to report back on his every move. They reported back that the film would be a direct sequel to Aliens and would feature Ripley, Hicks and Newt. Once we discovered this we knew that it was only a matter of time before the Guinness World Record for longest, most expensive famous fan wank would be shattered.”

The previous holder of the record, a Star Trek fan series called “The Adventures of Captain Kirk’s Awesome Grandson Kevin Silverman”, lasted 4 ten minute episodes before Producer/director/writer/leading man Kevin Silverman had to stop putting money into the project in order to fund his bitter divorce. Silverman was devastated on hearing the news. “On the one hand I lost my wife, home, job and I now have a credit rating lower than bushbaby living in a shoe. On the other hand I had a Guinness world record and I paid $250,000 to have William Shatner touch my knee and say he was proud of me. The record may be gone but I’ll always have the memory of Shatner’s firm but gentle touch.”

Meanwhile early script rumours suggest that the film will see Ripley, Hicks and Newt living in a suburban neighbourhood raising Newt as their child before Ripley decides to leave to find herself. After 15 years Ripley returns wanting custody of Newt and a bitter court battle ensues. As each of their lawyers bitterly attacks the other a chestburster explodes from the judge’s chest and a violent pitched battle with flamethrowers breaks out. Eventually the family are brought together in harmony through the medium of incinerating homicidal Xenomorphs.

When he heard this Entertainment Correspondent Medcalf Van Cleef was openly weeping and asked for a tissue. “It’s not for the tears you understand. I’ve just violently jizzed in my pants.”