Archive | October 2015

Bob Gale Apologises For Not Being Nostra-****ing-Damus

“I’m so fucking sorry we don’t wear spiky bedpans on our heads now”

Back to the Future 2 screenwriter Bob Gale has apologised for not being an all knowing seer and misleading people about the world that they could expect in 2015.

“I’m really sorry.” Said Gale. “I’m sorry that the Jaws franchise wasn’t flogged to death and that Steven Spielberg’s son didn’t actually become a film director. I’m Sorry that Princess Diana not only didn’t become Queen but didn’t actually survive into the 21st Century.”

“I’m sorry for suggesting that the fax would still be in regular use and for getting everyone’s hopes up about the possibility of hoverboard technology. That was very irresponsible of me. Had I know that portions of the scientific community would waste years of their lives trying to make it a reality, rather than trying to do something that might actually be fucking useful to humanity, I wouldn’t have included it.”

“I’m sorry that we don’t now have mass market nuclear fusion reactors that run off trash. Obviously I was completely sincere about that because everyone having a nuclear reactor in their home would be a brilliant fucking idea and nothing could possibly be in anyway insanely dangerous about it.”

“I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t predict the existence of the fucking internet. Had I know that it would exist and that in 30 years’ time people would get excited about a date that Bob Zemeckis and I pulled out of our ass I would have run to the hills screaming. Instead here I am having a screenplay that portrayed a frivolous vision of 2015 being picked over for accuracy like I’m having my fucking homework marked by a fucking committee. Then I’m being dragged onto to 24 hour rolling news channels (something else I didn’t fucking predict. Sorry) having to explain why I thought dehydrated food would be a thing in the future.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I’m not Nostra- fucking-damus but then I suggested that a working time machine would be invented in 1985 so maybe my opinion on what is and isn’t possible should be taken with a grain of fucking salt.”

Force Awakens Trailer Elected Prime Minster of Canada

Stephen Harper was unavailable for comment

Stephen Harper was unavailable for comment

As the result of a confluence of international events the full trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been elected Prime Minister of Canada.

Though the appointment was the result of a massive misunderstanding, there were celebrations in the streets as the people of Canada welcomed their new leader with tears of joy. Fireworks lit up the sky and in some news footage the words “Weesa Free!” can be heard in the background”

“This will be a day log remembered” Said Canadian political commentator Lucas Nathanial. “I’ve seen huge crowds of people tearing down statues of Stephen Harper which is confusing because up until yesterday there weren’t any statues of Harper anywhere in the country.”

The trailer made a surprisingly moving acceptance speech telling the Canadian electorate that “I was raised to do one thing. Nothing will stand in our way. I will finish what you started.”

The trailer will announce its cabinet later today and it is expected to include BB-8, Chewbacca, Kylo Renn and Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer of The Walt Disney Company, Kevin Mayer.

When told of the news that one of his trailers now had effective control of an entire nation Robert A. Iger, Chairman, Chief Executive Officer of Disney is reported to have steepled his fingers and said “Eeeeexcelent”