Leaked information from the Marvel press office has revealed that the marketing campaign for Ant-Man has been deliberately engineered to play up how amusing small things are so it’s eventually pitiful box office takings will seem like part of the gag.
The source of the leak, Dan Inzider, said it has all been carefully planned by Marvel’s Propaganda and Gullibility department. “We’ve all seen the footage and there has been some hand wringing as the feeling is that we have a dud on our hands. Then Someone said that Ant-Man having a smaller box office was kind of ironic and that set minds turning to how we could convince people to not only expect small things from Ant-Man but to think that they were a good thing.”
“So we released the trailer in a tiny format and that was very well received and then we released a tiny poster and people are really beginning to take to the idea that everything to do with Ant-Man will be small. By the time the film make barely enough money to cover Paul Rudd’s gym membership everyone will think it is the culmination of a well-executed series of tiny man gags.”
Disney’s Head of Publicity, Anne Incider, denies their subsidiary company is trying to put a positive slant on a poor film and further said that having the film underperform was always part of the plan. “We have a very complicated business strategy. We have huge whiteboards covered in all sorts of equations and connections to do with cause and effect. It looks like Stephen Hawking’s basement would if he ever became a serial killer. No one can know the complete plan or they will be driven instantly insane. Miley Cyrus stumbled upon the whole thing by accident and a fortnight later she was twerking about the place with her tongue hanging out so we sent her to the MTV awards where she was blending in nicely until she somehow got on the stage.”
“Of course Ant-Man was always intended to be a box office failure. Why else would we have originally hired Edgar Wright?”
Benedict Cumberbatch had said that whether or not he ends up getting the part he’s pretty certain he’ll make for a terrible Doctor Strange.
Cumberbatch’s agent, his cousin Juniperella Tendersnatch, said “Benny knows that he probably isn’t the right person for the part and he’s a little baffled that they asked him to play it. The last time I saw him this confused by a job offer was when JJ Abrams asked him if he would like to play a genetically enhanced Sikh that was originally played by Ricardo Montalban. He spent a week pacing about his house in his dressing gown sipping camomile tea and shouting for Mrs Hudson. He took the part in the end because after all Benny has to eat but between takes he just looked confused. Like he’d arrived at a wedding wearing the wrong kind of tie.”
It seems that Cumberbatch is unsure what he’s going to bring to the table as Steven Strange. “Benny has been looking at the other Marvel films and can’t fathom what he had to offer them. It’s not like they have a shortage of white men that moisten Tumblr. It can’t be the British angle either as Hiddleston has that sown up so he can’t see what they would want him for. He can only assume it’s because he is ever so slightly paler and he’s not entirely comfortable with that.”
“At the end of the day if they offer him the part I’ll persuade him to take it because it will be good for his profile. Plus Ste-mo has given me some cash to keep Benny as busy as possible. Apparently the longer people have to wait for new Sherlock the more worn out old toss he can get away with because people will be so glad it’s back that they won’t pay much attention to the script. That’s his theory anyway, can’t say I’m convinced myself but money is money and at the end of the day Benny has to eat.”
Entertainment journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said “it’s as bad as I feared. Cumberbatch is spreading through film franchises like an upper-middle class Ebola virus. It seems that Hollywood wants to encourage racial diversity be hiring increasingly pale men and Benedict Cumberbatch is the pasty, posh man that they currently can’t get enough of. I fear the only way we can topple him from his throne is to find a handsome, British albino who can deliver a definitive Richard III.”
“I know Benny has to eat but does he have to earn enough to only eat swan?”
The cover of Spider-Woman #1 has been deemed so ridiculously bad that Marvel readers have started a petition to have Rob Liefeld redraw it.
Comic fan Greg Bones said “That cover is one of the worst things I have ever seen. Her hair appears to go all around her head like she’s a lion and her left arm appears to be coming out of her neck. It’s like everyone on that book slept through the 90s”
“Liefeld may be terrible but we’ve come to enjoy his shocking attempts at depicting the human form in an almost academic way. His work resembles caveman paintings only less accurate. Like caveman paintings they represent a bygone age of art where you could get regularly paid for artwork like that rather than being laughed out of the office.”
“Say what you like about Liefeld but he wore his incompetence on his sleeve. When he decided that he didn’t want to draw feet he’d just have the legs taper off rather than hiding them behind an arse that looks like it has had for more attention lavished upon it than the rest of the picture.”
The petition has around 12,000 signatures and is growing by the day. Liefeld has said that if the petition is successful then he might even buy a new pencil or at the very least sharpen one of his old ones.
Bones is hopeful about the possible results. “I’m hoping for loads of black lines to emphasise how gritty it is and at least 8 or 9 pouches. Ideally with Deadpool’s face on them.”
Batman has revealed the people to have honours bestowed upon them in his 75th birthday honours list.
Adam West, Burt Ward, Michael Keaton, Kevin Conroy and Christian Bale are all to receive Dark Knighthoods. This means that they all have permission to operate as Batman wherever they happen to be at the time and have all been sent batsuits in order to fulfil those responsibilities. Burt Ward was particularly excited to receive his Dark Knighthood saying that “Finally it’s Burt’s time to shine!”
Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldman are all to receive an OBS (Order of Batman Sidekicks). This entitles them to also fight crime but only in a sidekick capacity to anyone with a Dark Knighthood. Chris O’Donnell said that he was looking forward to assisting the stand against injustice “I want to play my part and to help those who need it. Just so long as it involves going nowhere near Burt Ward.”
Michael Caine, Sean Pertwee and (posthumously) Michael Gough have been awarded an MBS (Member of Batman’s Staff) which means that they have a job for life at Wayne Manor should they choose to take it. When asked how he felt about a potential job washing Bruce Wayne’s jockstrap Sean Pertwee was quoted as saying “Fuck that you slag!”
The recipients of these honours will at some point be batgassed, thrown into the back of a van and carted off to the batcave. They will receive their honours while they are still confused and disorientated so they are in no position to identify the location of the batcave or remember any specific details about its contents. They will then be thrown from a moving van onto a street corner. When told of how his honour will be bestowed upon him Burt Ward said “That’s pretty much what happened to me every weekend during the nineties.”
Marvel have released images of a new female incarnation of Thor and comics fans around the world have experienced mysterious trouser activity that has left them all feeling very confused.
“My body is all conflicted.” said long time comics fan Shane Dudeborough. “I mean I love Thor but I didn’t think I wanted to love Thor in that way. I always thought that Thor was this guy who kicked ass and looked good in a helmet but now he has looks so much more feminine but still with that sense of raw elemental power and I don’t know if this is a new reaction or something I have been repressing for a long time but it has definitely awakened something in me.”
Comic store owner Ralph Kerpaugh has said that Dudeborough is far from alone in his reaction. “This morning about a third of my customers were oblivious to the fact that they were pitching the tent. They were just staring off into the middle distance with wistful looks on their faces. Some of them were sighing occasionally. Everyone was very deliberately avoiding the subject of Thor. The area of the store with his comics in it might as well have had a forcefield around it. I could have left my cash register open over there and they wouldn’t have gone near it.”
Dudeborough is concerned that his inner turmoil may never end. “It’s the sense of permanence that is worrying me the most. Everyone knows that when Marvel change something like this they are absolutely unmovable. All their changes stick 100% forever and they have never ever had a character revert to their more well known incarnation. Especially when they have a film due out with that character.”