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CyberBrig To Randomly Kill Every Villain In Doctor Who From Now On

"Five rounds rapi...I mean DELETE!"

“Five rounds rapi…I mean DELETE!”

The Doctor Who production office has announced that the CyberBrig will appear at the end of every story from now on to kill the villain at the last minute and save the Doctor from actuality having to do anything.

Production Assistant Anne Incider said Ste-mo was very keen to write for the character of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart but faced some initial challenges. “He was going to have the Brigadier in series 5 but Nicholas Courtney inconsiderately died leaving Ste-mo in something of a bind. He used the character of Kate Stewart initially but he couldn’t get behind the character completely what with her being a woman who wasn’t some kind of stern, dominant, headmistress type that the Doctor can flirt with.”

“As such he decided to use the entire series 8 plot arc to contrive a way to bring the character back in such a way that he could ignore the fact that the actor has died. Once he hit upon the idea of the CyberBrig he basically reverse engineered the entire arc plot to make it happen plus it got him out of the corner he’d managed to write himself into again.”

Now that the CyberBrig is established Ste-mo has issued an edict saying that the character should be used in the conclusion of every story no matter how ridiculous his incision would be. “He knows that he had created the ultimate story get out clause. Whenever the Doctor finds himself in a difficult moral position CyberBrig can just rock up and blow the villain to smithereens. Of course if it’s just him doing it people might start to pick up on it so he has ordered every writer to use his new creation to solve the conclusion of the story.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that these were dark times. “I think what we are witnessing is one man becoming insane with power. Ste-mo is like the Caligula of Doctor Who now. I’ve heard he had Matthew Waterhouse dragged into his office and force feed barrels of wine and he’s turning up at Doctor Who themed weddings demanding to have his way with the happy couple.  I don’t know if anyone can stop him now. It’s Ste-mo wacky world now and we just live in it.”

Incider says that CyberBrig will form a large part of the season 10 arc. “Basically CyberBrig is going to jump into the Doctor’s timeline and kill each of his enemies while they are mid rant. Just imagine how glorious it will be to see him blow up Davros when he’s halfway through his virus speech or Soldeed 20 minutes into The Horns of Nimon while there is still some unchewed scenery left. Then he will release all the classic series in new CyberBrig special editions and have the original tapes wiped. There will be no Who except Ste-mo’s Who. All hail Emperor Ste-mo. Can I interest you in this Doctor Who branded Kool aid?”

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Doctor Who Season Finale Flushes Out Bell-end Fans

Does this make you irrationally angry you bell-end? Good!

Does this make you irrationally angry you bell-end? Good!

Steven Moffat has been congratulated on writing and producing an episode of Doctor Who specifically designed to identify bell-ends in Doctor Who fandom.

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said it was a unique event. “I have to hand it to Ste-mo. It’s such a simple thing but it has easily identified serval people who I was on the fence about as unpleasant jerks so I owe him a vote of thanks in that score. Of course the true genius of it is the people who find themselves revealed to be bell-ends don’t seem to understand that they have been found out. The only thing in the show’s history that comes close is Dimensions in Time which I’m still sure was some sort of behavioural research project to find it how much people will put up with in the name of charity.”

“Let me just clarify for people who still don’t understand. If your reaction to the cliffhanger of Dark Water was to trawl through 50 odd years of the show’s history to prove that it is impossible in continuity or immediately make  tasteless transgender jokes then accuse people who call you on it of being intolerant, you are a bell-end and you have just revealed that to everyone.”

“I hasten to add that not liking the characterisation is something else entirely and people who don’t like the characterisation are clearly not bell-ends but if your acceptance or rejection of a character is based on nothing but the organs that character uses to procreate then not only are you a bell-end you’re frankly a bit peculiar.”

Not everyone agrees with this interpretation. Doctor Who ‘fan’ Shane Dudeborough feels quite differently. “It’s bullshit is what it is. We’ve never seen it happen before on screen so Moffat  has clearly changed the rules. I guess this means nothing in the 50 year history of the show actually counts anymore. The next thing you know he brings back Adric from the dead as some sort of androgynous hermaphrodite played by Benedict Cumberbatch. I don’t think he knows the damage he’s doing. How am I supposed to masturbate to Missy  now knowing that an image of Anthony Ainley dressed as Mary Poppins might pop into my head at the moment of climax? What would that say about me? I’m not emotionality equipped to ask these things off myself. Moffat doesn’t care about true Doctor Who fans.”

Podcaster Lillian Doyle thought it was great news. “I welcome this as a test case for a female Doctor. There’s no reason a woman can’t play the part and hopefully this should help prove that you can change the gender of a major character and still have it work.”

“Having said that this is Ste-mo we’re talking about so while I welcome the reveal I’m also expecting lots of cracks about about Missy’s appearance and she’ll probably be written as some sort of man hungry bunny boiler. After all he’s still Ste-mo.”

Missing Episodes Of The Daleks Masterplan To Be Reconstructed With Sock Puppets

Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System

Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System

1960s Doctor Who epic The Daleks Masterplan is to be released on DVD with its 10 missing episodes being reconstructed using sock puppets.

2 Entertain spokesperson Dan Inzider said “This is a story that many fans would like to finally see on screen but so little of it actually exists that animating 10 episodes would have been too costly. We sat down and looked at the options and it became clear that sock puppetry was the most cost effective way to realise this dream.”

Inzider said that the socks will be purchased at a local branch of Sports Soccer along with the ping pong balls that will be used for the eyes. “It’s really good value in there. You can get 5 pairs for a quid. I might pick some up for myself. We already have an old mop head kicking about somewhere that we can use for William Hartnell’s hair.”

Doctor Who fan Greg Bones was conflicted about the announcement. “As happy as I am that The Daleks Masterplan is coming to DVD I’m not sure that sock puppets are the right way to go. I would have preferred rod puppets myself but if money is an issue then could they not do something with folded paper?”

Peter Purves and Jean Marsh have been contacted to see if they would be willing to operate their sock puppet selves in order to lend greater authenticity to the reconstruction. “Purves said that he would be interested which we are grateful for. We thought that an actress of Jean Marsh’s calibre would be more difficult to secure but her agent told that once she agreed to do Willow all bets were off as far as creative integrity were concerned.”

If these new reconstructions are well received then plans are already in place for a sock puppet based reconstruction of The Macra Terror with jars of crab paste filling gin for the titular monsters.  

Moffat Promises Campest Daleks Ever

OOOOH. GET HER!

OOOOH. GET HER!

Steven Moffat has promised to counteract the darker tone and central performance of Doctor Who with the campest Daleks the show has yet seen on screen.

“Ste-Mo is very aware that Capaldi wants to take things in a more serious direction and he has physical scars as a permanent reminder” said Production Assistant Anne Incider. “But he is also aware that there is a chunk of the audience that wants the show to be light and fluffy so he’s made some production changes.”

Dalek voice actor Nicholas Briggs has been doing some extra preparation for this new take on the show’s most notorious villain. “Nick has spent week in intensive training with Alan Carr and has been listening to old episodes of Round the Horne to really hone his skills and find the truth behind the camp Daleks. The Dalek operators have also been instructed to try and move in a more camp way but without being obvious because if Capaldi gets wind of what they are up to he’ll head-butt their souls clear out of their bodies.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that they would have to go some to out camp some previous versions of the Daleks. “The 60s were an inherently camp decade at the best of times and the Daleks would reflect that. For instance in The Chase there is the Dalek that sounds like it’s trying to be all butch to impress the others but is actually pretty harmless. He meets a sticky end at the business end of Barbara’s cardigan and I always feel a little sorry for him. Then there were the Daleks in Destiny of the Daleks who were so camp that they managed to make the disco camp Movellans look tough and menacing.”

“I’m surprised that Capaldi hasn’t

cottoned on to be honest.” Said Incider. “You would have thought that calling it Into the Dalek would have been a red flag. I know Ste-mo have taken a week off from Saturday and is planning to spend the time in an undisclosed location learning krav maga in the hope that he can defend himself once Capaldi has actually watched it.”

Actor Cast As Tom Baker Won Lengthy Drinking Contest

"Bring it!"

“Bring it!”

The producers of a film about Tom Baker’s life have said that they have cast their leading man. While the team behind The Letter have yet to reveal his identity they have have confirmed that the successful actor did have to endure an extensive drinking session through Tom Baker’s old haunts in Soho.

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton has worked on the pre production of the film as a consultant and prepared the drinking contest. “I sat down and watched every episode of Tom’s run as the Doctor and managed to approximately calculate how much alcohol he had consumed in any given scene. I then worked this out as a mean average per season and from there calculated how much alcohol the successful applicant had to consume and still give a coherent performance without swaying or slurring. I don’t want to reveal the exact amount but suffice to say it was considerable and we had our doubts that it could be done at all by a modern actor.”

As the Tom Baker drunk Olympics commenced the applicants were given several challenges to perform as they gradually sacrificed their livers for a months work. “They would be assessed on how much gin they could consume during the time of a recording break while managing to stay the right side of bohemian. How quickly they could get a female work colleague to politely describe him as ‘Occasionally difficult to work with.’ and finally they were given a copy of the script of The Nightmare of Eden and told to come up with the most creatively insulting epithets about Director Adrian Bromly.”

By the end of proceedings the film had its Tom Baker. It also had 4 visits to A + E, 12 arrests for drunken disorderly, 15 black eyes and 1 accusation of public nudity from Tom Baker himself who had heard about the contest and had decided to throw down. Hexton has described the day as “The best and worst day of my life.”

Moffat Told He Can’t Pit Cumberbatch Against Capaldi In Deathmatch

Old timey photo of what definitely won't be happening.

Old timey photo of what definitely won’t be happening.

Steven Moffat has been told in no uncertain terms that he can’t film Benedict Cumberbatch and Peter Capaldi fighting to the death in gladiatorial combat to appease the masses on the internet.

Moffat’s assistant, Anne Incider, said. “Ste-mo has been researching this for weeks. He had finally narrowed it down to Cumberbatch being a Retiarius who fights with a net and trident while Capaldi was going to be a Dimachaerus who fights with a sword in each hand. I say research, he spent hours watching Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Even now he comes into the office in the morning saying things like ‘By Jupiter’s Cock I could do with a coffee’ and I just sigh, make him a cup of Mellow Birds and browse the internet looking for a new job.”

It seems that Ste-mo faced opposition from his Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss. “When Mark found out what Ste-mo was planning he was furious and walked straight into his office while Ste-mo was watching Spartacus: Vengence and threw a stapler at him. I heard him shout ‘This is our livelihood you posturing ignoramus. Why in heavens name would you would you attempt to have two civilised, grown men try to kill each other. There are days I can’t wait until I toss you down the front steps of this building and move my stuff into your office.’. He then threw the complete Spartacus box set out of the window and went back to his day of making quality documentaries about horror.”

While his main plan has been foiled this hasn’t stopped Ste-mo from thinking outside the box. “He’s made a prototype for something that is basically Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots but using Sherlock and Doctor Who action figures. He got thrown out of the Dragon’s Den studio for insisting that Deborah Meaden take him on. When she reluctantly did and he won he ran around the studio yelling ‘Who’s out now Bitch!’ until Duncan Bannatyne headbutted him.”

Ste-mo is currently on the Doctor Who world tour where he is also seeking alternative funding for his new venture which he has christened Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Emotionally Distant Maverick Intellectuals.

Peter Capaldi Says Moffat Will Do As He’s Fucking Told

Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat's scrotum.

Peter Capaldi pointing in the direction he intends to throw Moffat’s scrotum.

Peter Capaldi has revealed in an interview with the Telegraph that he is essentially in charge of Doctor Who as Steven Moffat basically does whatever he tells him to do.

“Ste-mo was all like ‘You and Clara can get flirty’ but I wasn’t having that shite on my watch so I squared up to him real close until I could hear his tiny little whimpers of fear and said ‘Now listen up you dough faced two-trick pony. Do you know who the fuck I am? I’m Peter fucking Capaldi and I’ve been a fan of this show before you were out of nappies. That’s the only fucking reason I’m here. To do this my way, the way it should be fucking done. If you want some prancing Jenny to act out your wank fantasies go get Matt Smith back. The only way you are going to make sure that I don’t harm a single wiry pube on your bulbous head is if you sit the fuck down, shut your fucking mouth and do EXACTLY what I fucking tell you to.”’

Anne Incider, a spokesperson for the Doctor Who production office said the whole thing was a sight to behold. “He swept in like a man with purpose and ripped Ste-mo a new one. I didn’t hear much apart from the swearing but I definitely heard him yell ‘…and while you’re at it hire a female director you male chauvinist ballbag!’. There was the sound of breaking furniture and a lot of high pitched yelping which I assume was coming from Ste-mo himself as he doen’t own a small dog. After Capaldi left Ste-mo came out of the office looking white as a sheet apart from the red rings around his eyes. He has a large, wet stain on his trousers which he swore was coffee but definitely smelt like piss.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that this was and unprecedented power grab by a lead actor of the show. “Doctor Who has a history of difficult leading men to be sure. When William Hartnell wasn’t arguing with directors he was leaving his socks in Peter Purves’ tea and it’s well known that Jon Pertwee flatly refused to shoot a frame of season 11 until someone built him a car that looked like a spaceship.

“The only other leading man to attempt such a seizure of power was Tom Baker when he decided that he wanted to do whatever he felt like at the time regardless of what anyone else was doing while Graham Williams was the producer. It got the the point that if Williams wanted his own way then he had to best Baker in a series of physical challenges ranging from arm wrestling to bare knuckle fist fighting in the Blue Peter garden. John Nathan-Turner only managed to rein Tom in by spiking his gin with laudanum. That’s why he gives such a muted performance during season 18.”

Capaldi said that he would only use his new found power for good. “I feel I have a responsibility to do right by the show’s history and all of the great people who have brought it to the screen both in front and behind the camera. Plus, let’s be honest, it’s not like I could make it any worse.”

Peter Jackson to Direct 4 Hour HD Adaptation of Dimensions in Time

David Banks is still inside that Cyberman costume.

David Banks is still inside that Cyberman costume.

Steven Moffat has announced that New Zealand based dwarf wrangler Peter Jackson will be directing the season 9 finale Doctor Who. Jackson has said that he is going to adapt the 17 minute long Children in Need 3D special Dimensions in Time.

Jackson is well known as a lifelong fan of the show and such a keen collector that he bought Sylvester McCoy in 2004 and keeps him in a display case in his home next to the Dalek that Katy Manning posed nude with and the original raw studio recordings of Doctor in Distress.

Executive Producer of the week Dan Inzider said. “Peter is no longer capable of painting on a small canvass and he always felt that Dimensions in Time had a longer story worth telling. He is reluctantly condensing that story down to 4 hours which probably means that the fight scene of the Garm taking on an army of Quarks is probably going to have to go.” When asked if there is too little in the way of story to achieve the running time Inzider just laughed. “That’s because the original Dimensions in Time didn’t have any epic battle scenes. This is going to have a lot of epic battle scenes and long, lingering helicopter shots of people walking through picturesque surroundings.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that the show has almost been helmed by Hollywood talent before. “In the 70s there were rumours that Woody Allen was going to direct a story until Tom Baker headbutted him through a table during a liquid business lunch in Soho. In the 80s there were talks with David Cronenberg to direct The Five Doctors but after they watched Videodrome even JNT had to admit that it might not be the best idea”

Jackson has said that he intends to film the story in 48fps and that Andy Serkis is going to do motion capture for a CGI Wendy Richard. It has been noted that if Serkis does a good job that Jackson’s next project will be a fully CGI remake of Are You Being Served with Serkis playing all the roles.

Leaked Doctor Who Episodes Will Also Spoil Your Future Christmas and Birthday Presents

Torrent Deep Breath and this paper layer of temporary suspense will no longer be necessary.

Torrent Deep Breath and this paper layer of temporary suspense will no longer be necessary.

It’s been reported that the unfinished workprint of Peter Capaldi’s first journey as 12th Doctor that has been leaked to torrent sites also contains an extensive, sketchy list of your future Christmas and Birthday presents. Those who’ve seen the video report that there are clear gaps in the visual effects, missing music cues, and that they’re now a just little underwhelmed at probably getting that box set of the Harry Potter novels.

“Totally dig where the show is headed” said @Dancybanjo45 on Twitter, “but I am so bummed out I’m not getting that Scalextric that I don’t care anymore”

“Surprises are bad for people” argued one of the uploaders, who has asked to remain anonymous despite being called Alan Tarrant of 35 Lordship Lane, London N22. “If I hid in your house while you were out, and jumped out at you when you got in again, and took a widdle in your living room in front of you, you’d be pretty upset, right? But if I wrote to you about it 2 weeks ahead, I reckon you’d probably just laugh it off. That’s why I go out of my way to remove the element of surprise for everyone else. I’m doing a public service and I expect the knighthood that is reserved for selfless acts of this nature.”

This follows in the wake of a number of leaks from the BBC, including the scripts of the first five episodes and detailed medical diagrams of the cast’s intestines. In fact there have been so many leaks coming out of the Doctor Who production office that the Head of BBC Wales has sent a memo to Steven Moffat asking him if he’s taking the piss or what?

Ste-mo has been unavailable for comment due to him spending the afternoon swimming in a special vat of Karen Gillan action figures like Scrooge McDuck.

Doctor Who Showrunner Job To Become Hereditary

All hail Ste-Mo the first!

All hail Ste-Mo the first!

The BBC have announced that Steven Moffat will be Doctor Who showrunner for the duration of his life and on the occasion of his death he will be succeeded by his eldest son.

“Historically the BBC has resisted the idea of hereditary principle.” Said spokesperson Dan Inzider. “However old Ste-mo convinced us that the Doctor Who job was a special case. A sacred trust that was the birthright of his family bloodline.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said this was an evolution of the show runners role. “In the late 80s John Nathan-Turner wasn’t allowed to quit as producer so was essentially a sort of indentured servant. Over the years, as fans have become producers of the show, JNT’s plight has become an ambition. Ste-mo finds being told he can never leave Doctor Who to be comforting rather than frustrating.”

Inzider said there were many practical advantages to making the post hereditary. “The job of Doctor Who showrunner is seen by many as a poisoned chalice. This way we can always be sure that someone will fill the position. That and the fact it’s going to save the human resources department a fortune.”

The Doctor Who Appreciation Society released a statement on the subject which simply read “Oh Shit”.