Back to the Future 2 screenwriter Bob Gale has apologised for not being an all knowing seer and misleading people about the world that they could expect in 2015.
“I’m really sorry.” Said Gale. “I’m sorry that the Jaws franchise wasn’t flogged to death and that Steven Spielberg’s son didn’t actually become a film director. I’m Sorry that Princess Diana not only didn’t become Queen but didn’t actually survive into the 21st Century.”
“I’m sorry for suggesting that the fax would still be in regular use and for getting everyone’s hopes up about the possibility of hoverboard technology. That was very irresponsible of me. Had I know that portions of the scientific community would waste years of their lives trying to make it a reality, rather than trying to do something that might actually be fucking useful to humanity, I wouldn’t have included it.”
“I’m sorry that we don’t now have mass market nuclear fusion reactors that run off trash. Obviously I was completely sincere about that because everyone having a nuclear reactor in their home would be a brilliant fucking idea and nothing could possibly be in anyway insanely dangerous about it.”
“I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t predict the existence of the fucking internet. Had I know that it would exist and that in 30 years’ time people would get excited about a date that Bob Zemeckis and I pulled out of our ass I would have run to the hills screaming. Instead here I am having a screenplay that portrayed a frivolous vision of 2015 being picked over for accuracy like I’m having my fucking homework marked by a fucking committee. Then I’m being dragged onto to 24 hour rolling news channels (something else I didn’t fucking predict. Sorry) having to explain why I thought dehydrated food would be a thing in the future.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I’m not Nostra- fucking-damus but then I suggested that a working time machine would be invented in 1985 so maybe my opinion on what is and isn’t possible should be taken with a grain of fucking salt.”
Verifiers from the Guinness Book of Records are observing the production of Neil Blomkamp’s new entry into the Alien franchise as they believe it may qualify as the longest, most expensive fan wank in history.
Lead Fact Inquisitor Anne Incider says that all the indicators are there for this to be a record beaker. “Obviously as soon as Blomkamp released his concept art we kept a close eye on him. Then when the film was announced I assigned a team Info-Novices to report back on his every move. They reported back that the film would be a direct sequel to Aliens and would feature Ripley, Hicks and Newt. Once we discovered this we knew that it was only a matter of time before the Guinness World Record for longest, most expensive famous fan wank would be shattered.”
The previous holder of the record, a Star Trek fan series called “The Adventures of Captain Kirk’s Awesome Grandson Kevin Silverman”, lasted 4 ten minute episodes before Producer/director/writer/leading man Kevin Silverman had to stop putting money into the project in order to fund his bitter divorce. Silverman was devastated on hearing the news. “On the one hand I lost my wife, home, job and I now have a credit rating lower than bushbaby living in a shoe. On the other hand I had a Guinness world record and I paid $250,000 to have William Shatner touch my knee and say he was proud of me. The record may be gone but I’ll always have the memory of Shatner’s firm but gentle touch.”
Meanwhile early script rumours suggest that the film will see Ripley, Hicks and Newt living in a suburban neighbourhood raising Newt as their child before Ripley decides to leave to find herself. After 15 years Ripley returns wanting custody of Newt and a bitter court battle ensues. As each of their lawyers bitterly attacks the other a chestburster explodes from the judge’s chest and a violent pitched battle with flamethrowers breaks out. Eventually the family are brought together in harmony through the medium of incinerating homicidal Xenomorphs.
When he heard this Entertainment Correspondent Medcalf Van Cleef was openly weeping and asked for a tissue. “It’s not for the tears you understand. I’ve just violently jizzed in my pants.”
Leaked information from the Marvel press office has revealed that the marketing campaign for Ant-Man has been deliberately engineered to play up how amusing small things are so it’s eventually pitiful box office takings will seem like part of the gag.
The source of the leak, Dan Inzider, said it has all been carefully planned by Marvel’s Propaganda and Gullibility department. “We’ve all seen the footage and there has been some hand wringing as the feeling is that we have a dud on our hands. Then Someone said that Ant-Man having a smaller box office was kind of ironic and that set minds turning to how we could convince people to not only expect small things from Ant-Man but to think that they were a good thing.”
“So we released the trailer in a tiny format and that was very well received and then we released a tiny poster and people are really beginning to take to the idea that everything to do with Ant-Man will be small. By the time the film make barely enough money to cover Paul Rudd’s gym membership everyone will think it is the culmination of a well-executed series of tiny man gags.”
Disney’s Head of Publicity, Anne Incider, denies their subsidiary company is trying to put a positive slant on a poor film and further said that having the film underperform was always part of the plan. “We have a very complicated business strategy. We have huge whiteboards covered in all sorts of equations and connections to do with cause and effect. It looks like Stephen Hawking’s basement would if he ever became a serial killer. No one can know the complete plan or they will be driven instantly insane. Miley Cyrus stumbled upon the whole thing by accident and a fortnight later she was twerking about the place with her tongue hanging out so we sent her to the MTV awards where she was blending in nicely until she somehow got on the stage.”
“Of course Ant-Man was always intended to be a box office failure. Why else would we have originally hired Edgar Wright?”
DreamWorks studios are currently reeling from the revaluation that Scarlett Johansson isn’t Asian. DreamWorks have announced that Johansson has been cast in the leading role of their adaptation of well-known anime series Ghost in the Shell and the backlash has taken by surprise.
“We are completely taken aback.” Said Anne Incider, DreamWorks Executive Vice President of Cultural Appropriation. “I honestly didn’t realise. Are you absolutely sure she isn’t? I could have sworn she looks it a bit around the eyes.”
“We thought we’d hit a home run by casting an Asian actor that has real box office appeal because everyone loves Scar-Jo. I mean we’re not going to recast now we’ve found out, that would be box office suicide, but I give you my word that I will assign an intern to feel really guilty about it for a couple of days.”
Entertainment guru Medcalf Van Cleef said that this isn’t the first time that this sort of thing has happened. “Most studios think that if you have a face that doesn’t look like a Californian supermodel you must be from a different race. That race is just known as “foreign” with no actual understanding of the different cultures, beliefs and heritage. It’s exactly this kind of crap that gets Keanu Reeves linked with Akira and don’t even get me started on Benedict Cumberbatch, Earth’s whitest man, being cast as everyone from Khan Noonian Singh to Martin Luther King.”
When presented with this statement Anne Incider was incredulous. “Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t Asian either? This whole experience has certainly been an education for me. I don’t know as much about racial diversity as I thought I did. Though one thing that can say with confidence is that Asians are the people that you can’t get wet or feed after midnight…that’s right isn’t it?”
District 9 and Elysium director Neil Blomkamp has already set tongues wagging with his Alien concept art. Now it has been revealed that he has done many concept drawings for a gritty reboot of 80s alien based sitcom ALF.
The artwork depicts the cuddly looking alien Gordon Shumway being taken in by the Tanner family who christen him “ALF”. He then devours the whole family, one by one, in their sleep in what has been described as possibly being a biting satire of middle class white guilt or something.
Blomkamp’s agent, Dan Izider, said that his client was no longer working on the project. “Neil produced the artwork for a meeting with Warner Brothers. As the pictures became increasingly graphic several Warner’s executives had to leave the room and once Neil got to the drawing of ALF eating Willie Tanner’s intestines the Vice President of Reboots and Reimaginings vomited into a waste bin.”
Blomkamp had intended for Sharlto Copley to play ALF and Matt Damon had expressed interest in the role of Willie Tanner. Inzider says that he was initially disheartened at the reaction. “He was gutted until they told him that they were looking for something with a Scooby Doo vibe at which Neil just pissed himself laughing. Once he had managed to calm himself down a bit he asked if they had actually watched any of his films. They shifted uncomfortably and one of them said they had watched the trailer for District 9 a while back and he remembered it looking really funny. It was at that point Neil took his leave but not before throwing their espresso machine out of the window.”
Entertainment reporter Medcalf Van Cleef said that the movie going public have been denied a possible masterpiece. “ALF didn’t need remaking in any way, shape or form but if it were to be done what better way to make sure no one ever talks about fucking ALF ever again than by making it the most visceral and emotionally disturbing film ever made. Instead of this we are getting Chappie which I’m looking forward to but can’t take the title seriously as that is the name my wife has given to my penis.”
JJ Abrams has launched a pre pre trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens in the form a flick book drawn by Jett Lucas. Fans have been queuing for 3 days straight outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre for their turn to see Jett Lucas flick his way through his interpretation of some key scenes which he has drawn in biro on an old, Lucasfilm branded, Post-it note block.
The flick book, which has a runtime of 3.8 seconds, is said to feature flashes of key scenes but no one knows what they may be as before it can be watched fans much sign a non-disclosure clause in their own blood.
Long-time Star Wars fan Clint Planetslayer (formerly Dan Edwards) said that it was a transcendent experience. “I can’t tell you what I saw or Jett Lucas will take my soul but I can tell you how I felt about it. I am complete in a way that I never realised it was possible to be. I wish all of humanity could know the joy I currently hold in my heart as it would be the end of all wars and intolerance.”
Disney’s Executive Vice President of Emotional Manipulation, Anne Incider, said that the sense of exclusivity in viewing the flick book was what had made so many fans so eager to see it. “If there is one thing that Star Wars fans love it is exclusive content you have to go to great lengths to see. We talked over a few ideas such as having the trailer be available as a 3D view-master disc that you could only see if you went to a particular Denny’s in Utah.”
When asked about Jett Lucas’ involvement Incider says that it was important to JJ Abrams. “JJ was keen to keep George around as there are some people who still think that he is actually relevant to Star Wars. He also wanted to have Jett closely involved to show the passing of the torch to the next generation. Plus Jett had finished emptying the bins and cleaning the gum off of Mark Hamill’s shoes so he was at a loose end.”
Entertainment Journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said this was the latest in a long tradition of film studios cocking about with trailers. “The trailer used to be about getting you to want to watch the film. These days’ studios care more about internet buzz and will do anything to get it. I hear that for Prometheus 2 there is going to be an exclusive video of the meeting to discuss what to include for the pre trailer before the trailer. This will include a 5 minutes section where Ridley Scott goes for a loud and aggressive shit while insisting on leaving the stall door open so he doesn’t miss anything.”
There is no word yet on when the full official trailer will be released but Anne Incider said that they would look to pick just the right moment. “Ideally you should look out for the full trailer on the day that Warner Brothers try to announce something that they laughably think might be of interest to anyone. That is when we shall strike!”
The remake of Highlander is looking to cast the cream of Scottish acting talent but Director Cedric Nicolas-Troyan has no intention of casting them as Scottish people.
Nicolas-Troyan’s casting assistant Dan Inzider said that this was a deliberate homage to the original film. “If there is one thing that the original Highlander proved it’s that people have no interest in Scots playing people from Scotland. That film has become a huge cult favourite despite Christopher Lambert sounding about as Scottish as Che Guevara. This is even truer of Braveheart, if you used that accent in Glasgow on a Saturday night someone would rightly assume you were taking the piss and hand you your own lungs. Do it in a film for nearly 3 hours and they hand you an Oscar. Then of course there is Simon Pegg in Star Trek which is about as close as you get to Scottish blackface without wearing a ginger wig and a tam o’ shanter. The bottom line is that if you want your Scotland based film to be successful the last thing you want to do is have actual Scots being Scottish in it.”
Despite this Inzider is looking to cast a number of high profile Scottish actors. “I’m currently talking to Ewan McGregor’s people about the part of a foppish, immortal French Duke and James Mcavoy’s agent for the role of a no nonsense Chicago cop, Karen Gillan is going to be the Queen of Spain and John Hannah has already agreed to play a hillbilly alligator breeder. That’s what is so great about Scottish actors. They are really good at doing accents that aren’t Scottish.”
There are rumours that Tom Cruise is circling the project for the mentor role originally made famous by Sean Connery. “We’re very keen for Tom to be a part of this project.” Says Inzider. “Part of the reason his character has survived so long is because he is so short that every attempt to decapitate him literally goes over his head. It makes his eventual death all the more tragic.”
Entertainment journalist Mecalf Van Cleef said that Cruise’s involvement wouldn’t surprise him. “Tom has a history of success with genre films and I can see that this is something that would interest him. I think the thing that would clinch it would be if they added a scene where his character has to sprint towards the camera as fast as he can. He does love to run free like a stallion.”
When asked about the casting of non-Scottish actors in Scottish roles Aberdeen resident Fergus Glennie said “They’re aff their heeds if they cast that glaikit wee heid-the-baw. That load a twanny scunners can kiss ma mawkit behooky!” Inzider has promised to respond to the criticism once someone explains what Glennie actually said.
Bruce Campbell will have no idea that he is in an Evil Dead TV series. The current plan is to film the show documentary style and have a series of performers dressed as deadites attacking Campbell at random with increasing frequency and ferocity until he has no choice but to defend himself.
Dan Inzider, Starz Vice President of Tits and Gore, said that this approach was the brainchild of Executive Producer Sam Raimi. “Sam wants a feeling of reality and immediacy to the show. A kind of slow burning tension that you can’t do on film. The viewer will never be quite sure when Bruce will be attacked next or how he will react when he is. Also Sam has been mentally torturing and abusing Bruce since high school and there was no way he was going to turn down the opportunity to give Bruce the hardest pranking of his life.”
Inzider said that Starz have been holding open auditions so Evil Dead fans can have the opportunity to attack their hero dressed as the rotting undead. “We thought that this would be a great way to get the fans involved and we have had a huge response, even when we made clear that they would have to sign a waiver that clears us of any responsibility should Bruce brutally cave their skulls in to defend his life. In fact there have been some who have been even more enthusiastic about taking part once they learned about that.”
One such hopeful was Barnard Fox who says that the possibility of being violently murdered by the terrified horror icon would be the chance of a lifetime. “Evil Dead has is my all-time favourite film and the chance to play a role in the TV show opposite my hero Bruce Campbell is too good an opportunity to pass up. If it means that he slices off me face with a chainsaw then it’s a small price to pay to be a part of horror history.”
When asked how they could possibly get away with having Campbell unwittingly murder his own fans Inzider just smiled. “We some VERY good lawyers. They are like law sorcerers. Seriously, you have no idea how many people we actually hacked to death while we made Spartacus and they made the whole thing go away. Compared to that this is small potatoes.”
Ash Vs The Evil Dead is due to hit screens in 2015 with the first batch of attempted lawsuits expected later that year.
Benedict Cumberbatch had said that whether or not he ends up getting the part he’s pretty certain he’ll make for a terrible Doctor Strange.
Cumberbatch’s agent, his cousin Juniperella Tendersnatch, said “Benny knows that he probably isn’t the right person for the part and he’s a little baffled that they asked him to play it. The last time I saw him this confused by a job offer was when JJ Abrams asked him if he would like to play a genetically enhanced Sikh that was originally played by Ricardo Montalban. He spent a week pacing about his house in his dressing gown sipping camomile tea and shouting for Mrs Hudson. He took the part in the end because after all Benny has to eat but between takes he just looked confused. Like he’d arrived at a wedding wearing the wrong kind of tie.”
It seems that Cumberbatch is unsure what he’s going to bring to the table as Steven Strange. “Benny has been looking at the other Marvel films and can’t fathom what he had to offer them. It’s not like they have a shortage of white men that moisten Tumblr. It can’t be the British angle either as Hiddleston has that sown up so he can’t see what they would want him for. He can only assume it’s because he is ever so slightly paler and he’s not entirely comfortable with that.”
“At the end of the day if they offer him the part I’ll persuade him to take it because it will be good for his profile. Plus Ste-mo has given me some cash to keep Benny as busy as possible. Apparently the longer people have to wait for new Sherlock the more worn out old toss he can get away with because people will be so glad it’s back that they won’t pay much attention to the script. That’s his theory anyway, can’t say I’m convinced myself but money is money and at the end of the day Benny has to eat.”
Entertainment journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said “it’s as bad as I feared. Cumberbatch is spreading through film franchises like an upper-middle class Ebola virus. It seems that Hollywood wants to encourage racial diversity be hiring increasingly pale men and Benedict Cumberbatch is the pasty, posh man that they currently can’t get enough of. I fear the only way we can topple him from his throne is to find a handsome, British albino who can deliver a definitive Richard III.”
“I know Benny has to eat but does he have to earn enough to only eat swan?”
A Warner Brothers press release has made the bold statement that Christopher Nolan’s Sci-fi epic Interstellar is the most visually striking and hauntingly beautiful film that you’ll be utterly bored by.
Warners Spokesperson D
an Inzider said the test screenings were a clear indicator. “I’d say the attention of about 10% of the audience stated to wander the moment Matthew McConaughey wanders on screen because some people still haven’t forgiven him for Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Another 5% drifted off when Michael Caine appeared and I heard someone say ‘Really? Again?'”
As the film went on more and more people started shuffling uncomfortably in their seats. By the time anyone actually ended up in space their was audible snoring going on. At least until Chris deployed the Hans Zimmer foghorn and they suddenly leapt out if their seats. Truth be told that’s why Chris uses him. It’s the only way I got through Inception.
Entertainment journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said that Nolan was a unique film maker. “Nolan had cornered the market in films that people remember very little about other than it looked quite good. It’s like a Jedi mind trick except that it lasts 3 odd hours and you’d be well served to have a catheter fitted before buying the popcorn.”
“I can see why Warners’ marketing department love him. He must be the easiest guy to sell. All you have to do is say ‘Come see the latest film from the man who brought you the last film you watched that you don’t remember much of but know you didn’t hate.’ then you just watch people bumble obediently into theatres, bill and coo at the pretty pictures and then stumble home confused as though they’ve just sat through 3 hours of audio visual Rohypnol.”
When Inzider was presented with this scenario he just nodded “Yup, that’s pretty much the size of it. Truth be told you could throw twenty bucks out of a window and have a 3 hour nap and have exactly the same experience but then you couldn’t pontificate about its deeper meaning in wine bars afterwards.”