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George R.R. Martin Will Live To Write An Ending You Will Hate

 

Fucks this man could give not pictured as there are none.

Fucks this man could give not pictured as there are none.

George R.R. Martin has decreed that he’s going to make everyone who has been moaning that he might die before finishing A Song of Ice and Fire regret that he didn’t do so.

Martin’s Agent, Anne Incider, said. “Not only is George R R Martin not your bitch he is also an angry vengeful spirit that gives not one fuck about your feelings. Do you think he cared how anyone would be affected when he wrote the Red Wedding? Of course not. George tells the story he wants to tell when he wants to tell it and if the story he chooses to tell is one designed to fuck you over for being an impatient dick then you only have yourself to blame.

Incider said that Martin has grown tired of people growing concerned about his health just because they might not get a book that they feel entitled to. “George feels that, as these selfish cock-wazzocks think he should do nothing but the minimum necessary to sustain existence and crank out the book they want to read, he going to make them regret it. He’s going to finish the story alright but he’s going to make damn sure that they are all going to hate it.”

As the Game of Thrones TV series begins to catch up to the books Martin has insisted that the producers hire Lost showrunner Damon Lindelof in order to make the finale of the Game of Thrones just as teeth gnashingly unsatisfying as he’s intending to make the books. “No one knows how to leave viewers disappointed and furious like Damon Lindelof. He’s like a narrative Typhoid Mary.”

Rumours are already circulating about how Martin plans enact his prose based vengeance and Incider says that there are several ideas on the table. “At present the plan is that a giant, flaming meteorite is going strike Westeros and kill everyone in the known world apart from Tyrion Lanister. Then the last five chapters will be a long and obscenely detailed description of Tyrion furiously wanking himself to death.”

It’s either that or the whole thing only happened in Tommy Westphall’s head.”

 

Game Of Thrones Season 5 To Be Tumblr Exclusive Gif Set

 

Breasts and slaughter not shown.

Breasts and slaughter not shown.

Softcore porn fantasy epic Game of Thrones will return for a 5th season that will only be available as 897 gifs via the medium of kitten based social justice site Tumblr.

We found that the show was being gifed pretty much the instant it was broadcast so we thought that for season 5 we might as well cut out the middleman. Why waste money on experienced production staff when we can get a bunch of tween fans to gif it on a promise that we’ll make all of their favourite ships canon.” Said HBO’s Dan Inzider “The added bonus is that thanks to the lack of sound people will stop asking why Aiden Gillen now sounds like a Celtic Batman.”

Experienced giffer Harriet Thompson said “This is a great opportunity to explore 21st Century storytelling. Gifs are the future of the dramatic medium. They can allow for multiple emotional expressions, be used for closer story examination and comparison for underlying themes. Plus having the brief shots of nudity on a 30 second loop makes them much easier to masturbate to.”

George R.R. Martin said he was excited that his story was being transferred to a new medium. “Knowing that the moments of anguish I put my characters through will now be looped in a never ending cycle of suffering is only driving me to be even more creative in the future.”

I’ll warn you now. If anyone pronounces it “jif” in my presence I’ll make sure Tyrion is garotted with a puff adder.”