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Microsoft Reveal Windows 9’s New Mining Interface

On the plus side you get to twat this smug bastard with a massive hammer.

On the plus side you get to twat this smug bastard with a massive hammer.

Microsoft Corp revealed at an exclusive event today the new Windows 9.

The popular operating system was previewed by head of Xbox development Phil Spencer. Spencer unveiled a number of new features. The biggest of which is that Explorer has been renamed Miner.

“Its revolutionary” exclaims Spencer “The Miner interface offers a true tactile exploratory experience. Firstly, your files are hidden for security and the only way you can uncover them is using a new search tool we’ve nicknamed the “pick axe” which is only acquired after a few hours of working on “trees”

The interface is certainly unique, with the desktop looking like vomit in a toy box full of Lego. But with rumours that hackers with early access to the source code have created the “Creeper” virus which randomly and silently blows data away as well as the “Enderman Virus” which does nothing unless you look at it, why should we upgrade? Spencer is quick to play down the security breach rumours.

“There’s nothing to worry about” he smiles “We’ve taken all precautions, though there are some known bugs such as Spiders and a cow might nick your file path, but we’re working on that”

Initial impressions of Windows 9 (which Microsoft are currently titling Windows Min9) is that frankly it’s a pointless time sink and the biggest achievement one got from using it was building a gigantic 200ft high golden cock out of excel files


Bioware Instantly Regret Asking Mass Effect Fans For Advice On New Game

Possibly the best/worst thing about a game that's too long/short

Possibly the best/worst thing about a game that’s too long/short

Montreal based video games company Bioware has taken the unusual step of asking the fans of their multi award winning game series Mass Effect and now confess to regretting the decision.

Speaking at a press conference today Bioware spokesman Dan Inzider revealed “In the intervening years between delivering multiple apologies and fixes for Mass Effect 3, we kind of assumed that everyone had chilled the fuck out and got on with their lives”

“However, we under estimated the Internet’s ability to hold a pointless grudge. After the survey went live yesterday to get some thoughts of the fans regarding what they would like from the next instalment in the Mass Effect franchise we received over two billion cupcakes through the post and almost as many death threats” Stated Inzider.

When asked to reveal the preliminary results of the online survey so far Inzider was initially hesitant to answer “The preliminary results of the online survey are still being collated and assessed” he confessed “However, I can give you a flavour of the information we have so far. The results are so far rather interesting… Currently 50% of all surveyed believe that the game should have a female character while 50% believe that it should be male. 50% of those who responded love the multiplayer experience while 50% think that the multiplayer can go ‘eat a dick’.

“Additional survey results show that everyone thinks the game should involve exploring the universe while everyone also thinks that the game should be set in a single location and anyone who says otherwise is a nobber. Also, interestingly, there is a unanimous feeling across all who were surveyed that the game should have a strong storyline, yet to counter that it seems that everyone agrees that the story isn’t as important as combat, pretty graphics and boobs.”

Inzider described more preliminary findings such as “…everyone thinks Commander Shepard should and should not be in the game at all, being completely dead and alive after the events of the previous game and that Mass Effect 4 should have a minimum of 512 story conclusions, but only one story line of ten minutes to three thousand hours long.”

Finally Inzider concluded the press conference with one last piece of information from the survey “Its amazing!” he exclaimed “Every single person who responded to the survey said that they had a great idea for Mass Effect 4 and it would definitely be better than anything our writers could come up with as it involved boobs and multiple sex scenes ‘where you get to see everything’ “

Ubisoft Announce Release of Assassin’s Housekeeper

The floor isn't going to clean itself.

The floor isn’t going to clean itself.

Ubisoft, developers of Assassin’s Creed Unity, have hit back at claims of sexism by announcing a spin off title that will focus on the domestic life of a stealthy murderer.

Ubisoft Spokesman Shane Dudeborough said “We’ve face a lot of criticism for the lack of playable female characters in Assassin’s Creed Unity but that is only because we’ve been focusing on a title dedicated exclusively to the ladies.”

According to Dudeborough in Assassin’s Housekeeper women gamers will face the difficult challenges “This is a title designed to expand on the life of the assassin. How does one best remove bloodstains from those nice white outfits they wear? Who cleans their throwing knives? What is the best meal to maintain a healthy and nutritious diet? These are all challenges to be overcome by the female lady players as they take on the role of Elsie, housekeeper and cook for the Assassin’s Guild.”

“It may seem like a thankless task but the role Elsie fulfils is vital so that the assassins can spend their days parkouring their way over various famous cities and dealing out death using a variety of innovative gadgets in a way that girls will think is icky. All the while safe in the knowledge that their clothes will be clean and there will be a piping hot meal waiting for them when they get home.”

This is the first in a series of female focused spin-offs of popular Ubisoft games. Other forthcoming titles include Far Cry: Learning Basic Gun Maintenance, Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Basic Administration and Filing and Devil May Cry: It’s That Time of the Month.

Lucy Williams, a 25 year old gaming blogger, said “Fuck off!”