Archive | Star Wars RSS for this section

Force Awakens Trailer Elected Prime Minster of Canada

Stephen Harper was unavailable for comment

Stephen Harper was unavailable for comment

As the result of a confluence of international events the full trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been elected Prime Minister of Canada.

Though the appointment was the result of a massive misunderstanding, there were celebrations in the streets as the people of Canada welcomed their new leader with tears of joy. Fireworks lit up the sky and in some news footage the words “Weesa Free!” can be heard in the background”

“This will be a day log remembered” Said Canadian political commentator Lucas Nathanial. “I’ve seen huge crowds of people tearing down statues of Stephen Harper which is confusing because up until yesterday there weren’t any statues of Harper anywhere in the country.”

The trailer made a surprisingly moving acceptance speech telling the Canadian electorate that “I was raised to do one thing. Nothing will stand in our way. I will finish what you started.”

The trailer will announce its cabinet later today and it is expected to include BB-8, Chewbacca, Kylo Renn and Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer of The Walt Disney Company, Kevin Mayer.

When told of the news that one of his trailers now had effective control of an entire nation Robert A. Iger, Chairman, Chief Executive Officer of Disney is reported to have steepled his fingers and said “Eeeeexcelent”

Advertisements

Star Wars Pre Pre Trailer Débuts As Flick Book

Blink and you'll miss Mon Mothma

Blink and you’ll miss Mon Mothma

JJ Abrams has launched a pre pre trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens in the form a flick book drawn by Jett Lucas. Fans have been queuing for 3 days straight outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre for their turn to see Jett Lucas flick his way through his interpretation of some key scenes which he has drawn in biro on an old, Lucasfilm branded, Post-it note block.

The flick book, which has a runtime of 3.8 seconds, is said to feature flashes of key scenes but no one knows what they may be as before it can be watched fans much sign a non-disclosure clause in their own blood.

Long-time Star Wars fan Clint Planetslayer (formerly Dan Edwards) said that it was a transcendent experience. “I can’t tell you what I saw or Jett Lucas will take my soul but I can tell you how I felt about it. I am complete in a way that I never realised it was possible to be. I wish all of humanity could know the joy I currently hold in my heart as it would be the end of all wars and intolerance.”

Disney’s Executive Vice President of Emotional Manipulation, Anne Incider, said that the sense of exclusivity in viewing the flick book was what had made so many fans so eager to see it. “If there is one thing that Star Wars fans love it is exclusive content you have to go to great lengths to see. We talked over a few ideas such as having the trailer be available as a 3D view-master disc that you could only see if you went to a particular Denny’s in Utah.”

When asked about Jett Lucas’ involvement Incider says that it was important to JJ Abrams. “JJ was keen to keep George around as there are some people who still think that he is actually relevant to Star Wars. He also wanted to have Jett closely involved to show the passing of the torch to the next generation. Plus Jett had finished emptying the bins and cleaning the gum off of Mark Hamill’s shoes so he was at a loose end.”

Entertainment Journalist Medcalf Van Cleef said this was the latest in a long tradition of film studios cocking about with trailers. “The trailer used to be about getting you to want to watch the film. These days’ studios care more about internet buzz and will do anything to get it. I hear that for Prometheus 2 there is going to be an exclusive video of the meeting to discuss what to include for the pre trailer before the trailer. This will include a 5 minutes section where Ridley Scott goes for a loud and aggressive shit while insisting on leaving the stall door open so he doesn’t miss anything.”

There is no word yet on when the full official trailer will be released but Anne Incider said that they would look to pick just the right moment. “Ideally you should look out for the full trailer on the day that Warner Brothers try to announce something that they laughably think might be of interest to anyone. That is when we shall strike!”

JJ Abrams Shitting Himself After Watching Guardians Of The Galaxy

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams has had to take a day off from shooting Star Wars Episode VII after watching Guardians of the Galaxy and realising it is so much better than what he’s cooking up.

Anne Incider, Abrams Director of Lens Flare, said. “JJ thought it would be a giggle. We were all going to go sit in the theatre and have good old laugh at the guy who made Slither trying to make a fantasy/sci-fi epic. He said it would be like watching a 6 year old child trying to make the Venus Di Milo out of Play Doh. We’d give him a gold star for trying and all go back to making a proper film.”

“Then the film started and it just kept getting better and better. There was fun, excitement, snappy dialogue, well shot action you could actually follow and a sense of humour and fun running the whole way through it. Everyone else in the theater loved it despite the fact that they had played their marketing hand early instead of doing all that mystery box crap. By the end of the film JJ was in the foetal position rocking back and forth muttering to himself. I couldn’t hear properly but I could swear that he was saying ‘Spielberg will save me’ over and over again. For the record he won’t. he doesn’t return his calls these days.”

The following day on set Abrams was nowhere to be seen. “I found him in a broom cupboard shitting into a box with a question mark on it and waving a torch in his face. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was reminding himself why people love him. I quietly closed the door and gave everyone the day off. Mark Hamill was over the moon as he said that he was looking forward to beating his high score on Guitar Hero on a visit to Brighton pier.”

When Disney CEO Bob Iger was asked to comment on the situation he laughed like a Bond villain and said it was “Win fucking win baby!”. He then lit a comically huge cigar with a wad of $100 bills, said he loved it when a plan comes together and drove off in the A-Team van with Mr T who Iger now legally owns. Word has it that he makes Mr T call him Hannibal and he is in negotiations to buy custody of Dirk Benedict.

Mark Hamill Loses Sexy Biro

Have you seen this biro? The future of Star Wars depends on it!

Have you seen this biro? The future of Star Wars depends on it!

Mark Hamill has refused to shoot another frame of footage for Star Wars Episode VII until his new sexy biro has been located and returned to him.

The biro was purchased during a cast team building weekend at the seaside town Bognor Regis and features a woman in a bathing costume which slowly dissolves when you turn the biro upside-down.

“It was amazing.” Said cast wrangler Anne Incider. “We were walking down the seafront and it just suddenly caught his eye. He was staring at it for ages turning it over and over and sniggering to himself. I asked him if he’d like to buy it and he nodded enthusiastically. By the end of the day he was also the proud owner of a bucket and spade, a Kiss-Me-Kwik hat and selection of saucy postcards. He really threw himself into the British seaside experience.”

When he couldn’t find the pen in his pocket on set Incider says the Hamill was inconsolable. “He sat cross-legged on the floor and let out an wail like a wounded animal. He then started to rock back and forth saying that he wanted Lola back. We had to lure him back to his trailer with a big bag of candy floss so we could keep filming while the crew looked for the errant biro.”

Biro watch has now on its fifth day. Hamill remains in his trailer and unconfirmed reports suggest that he has started to drink his own urine to sustain him. Incider said that locating the pen was now everyone’s number one priority.

“Between this and Harrison Ford’s leg Star Wars is basically fucked.”

Cruise To Be Told That Ewoks are Wookiees

"Yub nub...I mean GRWAAARAGH."

“Yub nub…I mean GRWAAARAGH.”

Tom Cruise may well possibly maybe appear in the next Star Wars film and if he does measures have been put into place to not make him feel bad about his height.

Disney’s chief ego wrangler Dan Inzider has explained his plans to placate Hollywood’s tiniest megastar. “It’s really simple. The scene that JJ has in mind for Tom to cameo in takes place on the forest moon of Endor. We’re going to tell him that the scene is actually set on the Wookiee homeworld of Kashyyyk and instead of being surrounded by spear lobbing teddy bears he’s standing shoulder to shoulder with seven foot tall, rampaging beasts.”

Cruise’s scenes will be filmed on a closed set with a minimal crew. All of whom have been told that they will be fired on the spot if the let slip that Cruise is actually working with children and little people wrapped in fuzzy felt. “Tom can be very sensitive about his height. It all goes back to his time working on Legend. Ridley Scott made no secret that he’d cast Tom in order to make Tim Curry’s Darkness character look even bigger. The crew would tease him incessantly about him playing a heroic gnome.”

Star Wars veteran Warwick Davis said he was looking forward to working with Cruise again. “I haven’t laid eyes on Tom since I doubled for him on Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I’m looking forward to kicking his ass on the basketball court between takes.”

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Almost Certainly Playing Yoda’s Deadbeat Grandson Or Something

Basically this guy in a Jedi robe knocking one out to a Twi'lek

Basically this guy in a Jedi robe knocking one out to a Twi’lek

Now Rain Johnson looks like he might have been hired to direct a Star Wars Episodes VIII and IX it now seems almost certain that long time collaborator Joseph Gordon-Levitt will appear in a prominent role.

Mara Thawn, leader of a Star Wars fan group in Telford, is really excited by this unconfirmed, speculation based news. “I’ve been a big fan of his since 3rd Rock From the Sun and feel strangely conflicted about the handsome man he has now grown up to become.”

Gordon-Levitt’s history of playing good but flawed characters has led fandom to believe that he will probably be some sort of conflicted Jedi. “I’d like to think that he will be playing Yoda’s grandson Terry. He’ll have the weight of his family legacy on his shoulders which will lead him to lash out at those closest to him and spend his days in bars drinking and selling death sticks. Oh and he’ll probably be addicted to porn.”

Corran Horn, leader of the 501st Swindon (both of them) said “I hope that he grows close to Luke Skywalker and then does most of the heavy lifting for the main plot while Luke is trying to get out of a big pit somewhere and by the end it will turn out that he’s actually Robin.”

Meanwhile rumours that Simon Pegg might be appearing in Episode VII remain unconfirmed as no one appears to care enough to actually go and find out for certain.

Millennium Falcon Replaced With Convalescing Home

 

Get off my space lawn!

Get off my space lawn!

In a desperate bid to maintain the punishing schedule. JJ Abrams has commissioned set builders at Pinewood Studios to create a convalescing home on Coruscant built in place of the half finished Millennium Falcon.

Sources close to the production reveal that since the unfortunate accident in which Harrison Ford decided to fight a garage door and lost, new script pages have been inserted into the shoot script for Star Wars Episode VII.

Studio representative Dan Inzider said “Han Solo will now only be seen briefly shouting at flying cars and telling passing troopers that the Kessel Run was much longer back in his day, before the old smuggler is placed in Palpatines Poodoo House of Rest, for the remainder of the film.”

Peter Mayhew, found signing photos at DragonComFedConWarsCon14 recently, let slip that his role as Chewbacca would now be heavily curtailed because of the script changes which now feature scenes of the character curled up by a fireplace and that the Chewbacca costume would now be fitted with a cute red and black tartan waistcoat.

Inzider said that the changes had brought about some unexpected benefits. “We’ve just secured a million dollar sponsorship deal with Werther’s Original. Harrison will soon be the face of the world’s creepiest toffee.”

 

Mark Hamill To Be Operated By Frank Oz For Episode VII

 

Well known felt worrier

Well known felt worrier Frank Oz

Lens flare enthusiast and occasional film director JJ Abrams has revealed that Mark Hamill’s performance as Luke Skywalker in Star Wars Episode VII will be controlled entirely by veteran puppeteer Frank Oz.

We want to go back to the basic film making that made Episode IV so successful that they tacked the words Episode IV on it to make this endless exploitation possible.” Said Abrams. “George’s prequel trilogy made many innovations in the field of special effects including one of the first wholly CGI characters. Sadly the technology couldn’t effectively portray anything more than comically extreme emotions and ultimately audiences failed to connect with Anakin Skywalker.”

We are going back to physical effects that the performers can actually interact with. I hear that Ewan MacGregor filmed all of his scenes for Attack of the Clones in a Soho phonebox and the finished film certainly reflects that.”

Studio executive Anne Incider said “It’s no secret in Hollywood that Hamill is more than felt and rods now than man. Ever since he suffered a bout of food poisoning that led him to accidentally make Slipstream. We wanted the best and we look forward to Frank giving Luke Skywalker the same level of grizzled intenisty that he gave Miss Piggy in Muppet Treasure Island