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Black Mirror Season 3 Hailed as Light Relief the Nation Needed

mirror

The Crackerjack of 21st Century

Charlie Brooker’s anthology series of technological dystopias has been welcomed as a perfect slice of light entertainment to relieve the unremitting grimness of 21st Century life.

Jilly Doyle, a Graphic Designer in the Wirral, said “What with the never ending parade of inspirational celebrities dying, the economic uncertainty and rise for far right politics brought on by Brexit, people in the United States of America considering electing a sentient infected bladder and the unsettling ramifications of Vladamir Putin’s rule of Russia, watching soldiers protecting frightened villagers from an infestation of vicious feral mutants or people trapped in virtual reality nightmares gives me a much needed chuckle.”

Showbiz writer Medcalf Van Cleef enthused “With this series of tech based terrors Charlie Brooker has given us the feel-good comedy of the year. This series is destined to be remembered alongside other comedy classics such as Hancock’s Half Hour, Some Mothers Do Have ‘Em or Only Fools and Horses. Brooker is writing with the same sparkle as Eddie Brayban when he was doing his best stuff for Morecambe and Wise.”

“In a real world where tabloids are calling for the head of TV personalities and sports heroes for suggesting it might be good to be nice to people for a change, coming home, putting your feet up and watching Kelly Macdonald solve grisly murders that are linked to social media give you that warm feeling of nostalgia for a simpler time when this was the worst that we could imagine happening.”

There are already unconfirmed reports that Black Mirror has been shortlisted for next year’s British Comedy Award for Best Comedy Entertainment Programme and Charlie Brooker will be awarded an OBE. The special fate reserved for those people determined to be a national treasure.

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Bruce Campbell Will Have No Idea He’s In The Evil Dead TV Show

Poor bastard has no idea what's in store for him.

Poor bastard has no idea what’s in store for him.

Bruce Campbell will have no idea that he is in an Evil Dead TV series. The current plan is to film the show documentary style and have a series of performers dressed as deadites attacking Campbell at random with increasing frequency and ferocity until he has no choice but to defend himself.

Dan Inzider, Starz Vice President of Tits and Gore, said that this approach was the brainchild of Executive Producer Sam Raimi. “Sam wants a feeling of reality and immediacy to the show. A kind of slow burning tension that you can’t do on film. The viewer will never be quite sure when Bruce will be attacked next or how he will react when he is. Also Sam has been mentally torturing and abusing Bruce since high school and there was no way he was going to turn down the opportunity to give Bruce the hardest pranking of his life.”

Inzider said that Starz have been holding open auditions so Evil Dead fans can have the opportunity to attack their hero dressed as the rotting undead. “We thought that this would be a great way to get the fans involved and we have had a huge response, even when we made clear that they would have to sign a waiver that clears us of any responsibility should Bruce brutally cave their skulls in to defend his life. In fact there have been some who have been even more enthusiastic about taking part once they learned about that.”

One such hopeful was Barnard Fox who says that the possibility of being violently murdered by the terrified horror icon would be the chance of a lifetime. “Evil Dead has is my all-time favourite film and the chance to play a role in the TV show opposite my hero Bruce Campbell is too good an opportunity to pass up. If it means that he slices off me face with a chainsaw then it’s a small price to pay to be a part of horror history.”

When asked how they could possibly get away with having Campbell unwittingly murder his own fans Inzider just smiled. “We some VERY good lawyers. They are like law sorcerers. Seriously, you have no idea how many people we actually hacked to death while we made Spartacus and they made the whole thing go away. Compared to that this is small potatoes.”

Ash Vs The Evil Dead is due to hit screens in 2015 with the first batch of attempted lawsuits expected later that year.

David Lynch Relaunches Twin Peaks To Pay Tax Bill For Orphanage.

He's on a mission from god.

He’s on a mission from god.

David Lynch has announced that he is getting the cast of Twin Peaks back together in order to raise enough money to pay the tax bill for the orphanage he grew up in.

Lynch’s publicist Dan Inzider said that Lynch felt compelled to help. “David paid a visit to his old orphanage and was overjoyed to see that the unnecessarily violent nun who taught him as a boy was still there. After beating him for ten minutes with a comically oversized ruler she eventually admitted that the orphanage had received a large tax bill that they couldn’t afford to pay.”

“David felt terrible about this and was explaining the situation to his fellow Twin Peaks creator Mark Frost when he suddenly had a revelation. They could get the cast back together and make some new episodes. The demand would be high and what they made they could give the orphanage.”

Apparently Lynch and Frost went on a quest persuade the rest of the cast to reform to make some new Twin Peaks. “They found Sheryl Lee and Lara Flynn Boyle performing scenes from the first series for minimum wage plus tips in some dingy nightspot in Fresno. They managed to talk Ray Wise into leaving both his wife and successful diner business after performing an extravagant song and dance number to Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart. The hardest part was tracking down Everett McGill who had quit acting and was working as a maitre d’ in some fancy restaurant. David and Mark showed up acting all uncouth and threatened to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner there every day until he agreed to do it.”

There are now rumours that Lynch and Frost have incurred the wrath of a group of neo Nazis, a country and western band, a heavily armed ex-girlfriend of Lynch and the Police Department of Chicago as the drive across the US in their reconditioned police car while wearing sunglasses.

Kyle MacLachlan has confirmed that he will work for food.

Fox Start Cancelling Shows That Don’t Exist

 

If you are reading this then you have just been cancelled by Fox.

If you are reading this then you have just been cancelled by Fox.

The Fox network has decided to cut out the middleman and start cancelling shows that haven’t actually been created yet.

We had a sort of revelation.” Said Fox executive Dan Inzider. “We realised that we were going about this cancelling business all wrong. There we were spending money commissioning shows and paying to have them made and then cancelling them when it is far more cost effective to start out cancelling them. Saves time, money and resources. It’s such a simple process. We just think of a show and as soon as we do we cancel it.”

Since they have made this decision Fox have cut a swathe through a whole bunch of shows that don’t actually exist. So far they have cancelled Hot Justice: Chippendale Lawyers, Stephen Hawking’s Bikini Physicists, Time Frottage, Archaeology Smackdown, America’s Next Top Dudebro with Corey Feldman and Son of the A-Team to name but a few. In total Fox cancelled around 6,350 shows in their first afternoon alone.

TV historian Braxton Hicks said this was a bold move. “This is an unprecedented moment in the history of television production. At this rate Fox are going to be the first TV station that doesn’t actually broadcast any TV as they have cancelled it all. It’s a very bold and avant garde direction to go in and their bravery should be saluted.

Either that or they have all gone shitnuts.”

 

 

 

NBC Hires Van Helsing To Cancel Community

Beggars can't be choosers

Beggars can’t be choosers

NBC has called upon the talents of Vampire Hunter and nemesis of the netherworld Gabriel Van Helsing to finally put an end to their errant show, Community. NBC tried to kill it by removing showrunner Dan Harmon but succeeded in only wounding it and for a year it flailed about wildly until Harmon returned to the show in accordance with the ancient prophecy. They then tried to outright cancel the show but again it refused to stay dead and reports suggest that it is now going to be resurrected via the medium of Yahoo.

“We’re very frustrated.” said NBC executive Dan Inzider. “We waited for the stars to align on the day of the summer equinox, uttered the forbidden words as written in the Necronomicon and spilled the blood of three interns upon the alter of Shytan. It was more than reasonable to expect that Community should be dead now and it soul should be floating up the river Styx to the underworld.

“Then we heard whisperings that the sacred scrolls of Zinthar contained the necessary passages required to resurrect Community. We hired Nicholas Cage to pretend to be that dude from National Treasure and recover them for us but we didn’t count on the fact that Yahoo had hired Tom Hanks to pretend to be the guy from The Da Vinci Code and he had got to them first. Now Community is on the brink of being summoned back to the realm of men we had no other choice but to hire Van Helsing in order to put this hell beast back in the ground where it belongs.”

When asked about their choice of Van Helsing Inzider visibly squirmed. “Yes, we know that ideally we should be hiring Peter Cushing to pretend to be Doctor Abraham Van Helsing as that dude was badass. Sadly he is no longer with us so instead we’ve had to hire Hugh Jackman to pretend to be that version of Van Helsing that everyone agrees was shit. It was him or Anthony Hopkins and frankly Jackman was cheaper. We’re not made of money after all.”

Hugh Jackman has since been spotted in the vicinity of the Yahoo offices wearing a leather duster and a confused expression on his face while wielding a crossbow. He’s quoted as saying “I have no fucking idea what they actually expect me to do now.”