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Moffat Announces That Season 8 Will Homage Legendary Doctor Who Writer Steven Moffat

Steven Moffat shown here drunk on his own success and a fuck load of free champagne.

Steven Moffat shown here drunk on his own success and a fuck load of free champagne.

Steven Moffat had declared that season 8 of Doctor Who will be a homage the work of Steven Moffat.

Doctor Who production assistant Anne Incider said the project was very close to his heart. “Ste-Mo says that one writer has been a huge influence on his work and he wanted to acknowledge and pay tribute to Ste-Mo and all the wonderful stories he has gifted the world.”

Incider confirmed that Listen was designed specifically to homage the work of ‘Ste-Mo the Great’ as he apparently insists on being addressed around the office. “It had all the classic Ste-Mo tropes that have been such an influence on Ste-Mo. There’s going back in a main characters timeline and meeting them as a child, a nebulous threat based on childhood fears that you can escape by doing something simple, women being either fawned over or insulted because apparently those are the only two choices when speaking to a woman and of course several direct references to Ste-Mo’s masterpiece Day of the Doctor.”

For those who object to the idea of Ste-Mo serving up a narrative bubble and squeak of his last three years in charge Incider says that it could have been so much worse. “Originally the mysterious monsters were going to be called the Laughing Demons and there was going to be a little girl in a radiation suit who asked people ‘Who is my Daddy?” until someone sat him down with a copy of Scum and explained why that would be an awful idea.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that homages of well-known writers is nothing new. “Many stories during the Tom Baker era were homages to writers like Mary Shelly, Robert Louis-Stevenson and Bram Stoker. No one has yet had the audacity to homage their own work on the show unless you count Terry Nation using exactly the same script with the plot beats shuffled about a bit. People don’t appreciate how much hard work that would be back then in the days before copy, paste and find and replace.”

Incider said that season 8 will continue to homage his own work next week. “That mysterious bespectacled woman in a suit from Time Heist is a homage to the mysterious, bespectacled suit wearing character of Missy. A character that will definitely be considered a classic and not the latest in a long line of Moffat created stern, female authority figures that makes you wonder whether he enjoys a whipping from Mistress Pain at the weekends.”

Underworld Reboot To Be Just As Terrible As You’d Expect

Arse not pictured

Arse not pictured

Producers of the forthcoming Underworld reboot have confirmed that it will be just as terrible as what has come before. Producer Dan Inzider was keen to put people’s minds at rest.

 “I’ve seen a lot of concern that our rebooting of the franchise might lead to some sort of upswing in quality or storytelling. I want everyone to rest assured that we have made a firm commitment to producing a product every bit as stylishly half-baked as the original. People who come to see an Underworld film have certain expectations and we certainly don’t want to ruin the franchise’s reputation by actually meeting them.”

Film historian Mike Oats said that there was a very definite progression in the original franchise’s storytelling. “Underworld is Len Wiseman’s story about how good Kate Beckinsale’s arse looks in PVC. Underworld: Evolution is Len Wiseman’s story of how good his wife Kate Beckinsale’s arse looks in PVC. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans is the Patrick Tatopoulos’ story of how he couldn’t afford Kate Beckinsale but Bill Nighy and Michael Sheen will happily do any work you throw at them. Underworld: Awakening is the tale of how Kate Beckinsale can no longer afford to be as fussy about roles as she used to be and her arse still looks great in PVC.”

Reaction on Twitter was ablaze with indifference with regular user @DancyBanjo45 saying “Underworld is certainly my favourite PVC clad arse franchise where other things also happen.” then later added “Holy shit! Has it got vampires and werewolves in it? I honestly didn’t notice.”

JJ Abrams Shitting Himself After Watching Guardians Of The Galaxy

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams subconsciously giving James Gunn the finger.

JJ Abrams has had to take a day off from shooting Star Wars Episode VII after watching Guardians of the Galaxy and realising it is so much better than what he’s cooking up.

Anne Incider, Abrams Director of Lens Flare, said. “JJ thought it would be a giggle. We were all going to go sit in the theatre and have good old laugh at the guy who made Slither trying to make a fantasy/sci-fi epic. He said it would be like watching a 6 year old child trying to make the Venus Di Milo out of Play Doh. We’d give him a gold star for trying and all go back to making a proper film.”

“Then the film started and it just kept getting better and better. There was fun, excitement, snappy dialogue, well shot action you could actually follow and a sense of humour and fun running the whole way through it. Everyone else in the theater loved it despite the fact that they had played their marketing hand early instead of doing all that mystery box crap. By the end of the film JJ was in the foetal position rocking back and forth muttering to himself. I couldn’t hear properly but I could swear that he was saying ‘Spielberg will save me’ over and over again. For the record he won’t. he doesn’t return his calls these days.”

The following day on set Abrams was nowhere to be seen. “I found him in a broom cupboard shitting into a box with a question mark on it and waving a torch in his face. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was reminding himself why people love him. I quietly closed the door and gave everyone the day off. Mark Hamill was over the moon as he said that he was looking forward to beating his high score on Guitar Hero on a visit to Brighton pier.”

When Disney CEO Bob Iger was asked to comment on the situation he laughed like a Bond villain and said it was “Win fucking win baby!”. He then lit a comically huge cigar with a wad of $100 bills, said he loved it when a plan comes together and drove off in the A-Team van with Mr T who Iger now legally owns. Word has it that he makes Mr T call him Hannibal and he is in negotiations to buy custody of Dirk Benedict.

Michael Bay To Get His Own Oscar Catagory

Fuck 12 Years A Slave. This is what you really want isn't it.

Fuck 12 Years A Slave. This is what you really want isn’t it.

In a press release published today by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Science it has been revealed that a new category will be entered in to the Oscars ceremony 2015.

The award category entitled Outstanding Achievement in Underdevelopment, referred in some circles as the “The Michael Bay Award For Being Michael Bay” has been created to celebrate the mediocrity of the blockbuster movies which invariably are ignored come awards season, much to the annoyance of the general public who feel that Marmaduke was unfairly passed over for any gongs back in 2010.

“We feel that our global audience of popcorn guzzling average Joes who continue to see big budget finger paintings like Transformers: Age of Extinction or Star Trek Into Darkness and thereby justifying our exorbitant fees should be represented. They enjoy this intellectually vacant and artistically bankrupt output and always tune in to the Oscars to see if their favourite film has won in a category that, realistically and in all good conscience, it could not hope to even be included in. It is for those people that we have created the Outstanding Achievement in Underdevelopment. An award celebrating the lacklustre and the unimpressive.

“We hope this will cause more viewers to tune in and stay for longer than the opening red carpet montage where Jennifer Lawrence or Zoe Saldana will have their acting talent and contribution to cinema completely ignored in favour of having their worth as human beings judged by what dress they happen to be wearing that evening”

News of this award has caused excitement in Hollywood and with the summer blockbuster season almost half way through, campaigning for the nominations has already begun, with bookies currently placing Michael Bay and Bryan Singer in the lead at even odds and Damon Lindelof being marked at 2 to 1 on for a life time achievement award.

SFX Magazine Celebrates 250 Months Of Bias Accusations

With hindsight this front cover should have been devoted to Hackers

With hindsight this front cover should have been devoted to Hackers

Fact based, genuine Sci-fi news publication SFX Magazine today celebrates having each and every one of its 250 issues accused of being biased in some way.

Dylan Gibbs, a long time reader, was outraged. “I’ve read SFX since its first, flagrantly Tank Girl biased issue. Its shameless bias in favour of whatever is popular at the time as opposed to what I’m watching and reading is sickening.”

Gibbs, who runs a Crime Traveller fan site, was equally upset by their 250th issue celebration party. “They are being egotistically biased in favour of themselves. The least they could have done is devote a table to TV Zone in the name of balance. The fact that they continue to disregard my very specific feelings and opinions is infuriating.”

When asked why he continued to read a publication that he so clearly disagreed with to the point of requiring medical attention Gibbs said. “I live in hope that one day they will improve and produce a proper issue that covers real Sci-fi rather than all the really popular stuff that only girls like.”

When asked for comment on the subject an unnamed SFX spokesperson said “While not all of our readers are going to be fans of everything that we cover the one thing that I know for certain is Crime Traveller was shit.”

Warner Bros. Green-Light Revisionist Story Of Grotbags

grotbags

Warners have given the go-ahead for a feminist re-imagining of 80 TV witch Grotbags. Grotbags was known to British children as the nemesis of Rod Hull and Emu but the character is to undergo a radical 21st Century retooling.

“Grotbags originally scared children but what if she was the real victim?” said a Warner Bros. spokesman Dan Inzider. “In our new version Rod Hull and Emu are patriarchal oppressors who judge her to be evil based on nothing but her looks so she channels the elemental forces and goes all Carrie on their asses. It’s very empowering.”

When asked if this was nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction to Disney’s success with Maleficent Inzider shrugged and said “Whenever a Disney owned property is successful it is now official Warner Bros. policy to immediately greenlight a project that is sort of on the same lines while failing to understand why the original property was a success. Thank god we made Harry Potter first or we’d have probably cast Miley Cyrus in a rushed adaptation of The Worst Witch.”

When asked about potential casting Inzider said “Russell Crowe is a lock for Rod Hull. He basically gets to behave how he normally would on a Saturday night but with a puppet on his arm.” As to who will play Grotbags herself Inzider was less comittal. “I don’t know. Probably Renee Zelweiger. Not seen her do much lately.”