CyberBrig To Randomly Kill Every Villain In Doctor Who From Now On

“Five rounds rapi…I mean DELETE!”

The Doctor Who production office has announced that the CyberBrig will appear at the end of every story from now on to kill the villain at the last minute and save the Doctor from actuality having to do anything.

Production Assistant Anne Incider said Ste-mo was very keen to write for the character of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart but faced some initial challenges. “He was going to have the Brigadier in series 5 but Nicholas Courtney inconsiderately died leaving Ste-mo in something of a bind. He used the character of Kate Stewart initially but he couldn’t get behind the character completely what with her being a woman who wasn’t some kind of stern, dominant, headmistress type that the Doctor can flirt with.”

“As such he decided to use the entire series 8 plot arc to contrive a way to bring the character back in such a way that he could ignore the fact that the actor has died. Once he hit upon the idea of the CyberBrig he basically reverse engineered the entire arc plot to make it happen plus it got him out of the corner he’d managed to write himself into again.”

Now that the CyberBrig is established Ste-mo has issued an edict saying that the character should be used in the conclusion of every story no matter how ridiculous his incision would be. “He knows that he had created the ultimate story get out clause. Whenever the Doctor finds himself in a difficult moral position CyberBrig can just rock up and blow the villain to smithereens. Of course if it’s just him doing it people might start to pick up on it so he has ordered every writer to use his new creation to solve the conclusion of the story.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that these were dark times. “I think what we are witnessing is one man becoming insane with power. Ste-mo is like the Caligula of Doctor Who now. I’ve heard he had Matthew Waterhouse dragged into his office and force feed barrels of wine and he’s turning up at Doctor Who themed weddings demanding to have his way with the happy couple.  I don’t know if anyone can stop him now. It’s Ste-mo wacky world now and we just live in it.”

Incider says that CyberBrig will form a large part of the season 10 arc. “Basically CyberBrig is going to jump into the Doctor’s timeline and kill each of his enemies while they are mid rant. Just imagine how glorious it will be to see him blow up Davros when he’s halfway through his virus speech or Soldeed 20 minutes into The Horns of Nimon while there is still some unchewed scenery left. Then he will release all the classic series in new CyberBrig special editions and have the original tapes wiped. There will be no Who except Ste-mo’s Who. All hail Emperor Ste-mo. Can I interest you in this Doctor Who branded Kool aid?”

Doctor Who Season Finale Flushes Out Bell-end Fans

Does this make you irrationally angry you bell-end? Good!

Steven Moffat has been congratulated on writing and producing an episode of Doctor Who specifically designed to identify bell-ends in Doctor Who fandom.

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said it was a unique event. “I have to hand it to Ste-mo. It’s such a simple thing but it has easily identified serval people who I was on the fence about as unpleasant jerks so I owe him a vote of thanks in that score. Of course the true genius of it is the people who find themselves revealed to be bell-ends don’t seem to understand that they have been found out. The only thing in the show’s history that comes close is Dimensions in Time which I’m still sure was some sort of behavioural research project to find it how much people will put up with in the name of charity.”

“Let me just clarify for people who still don’t understand. If your reaction to the cliffhanger of Dark Water was to trawl through 50 odd years of the show’s history to prove that it is impossible in continuity or immediately make  tasteless transgender jokes then accuse people who call you on it of being intolerant, you are a bell-end and you have just revealed that to everyone.”

“I hasten to add that not liking the characterisation is something else entirely and people who don’t like the characterisation are clearly not bell-ends but if your acceptance or rejection of a character is based on nothing but the organs that character uses to procreate then not only are you a bell-end you’re frankly a bit peculiar.”

Not everyone agrees with this interpretation. Doctor Who ‘fan’ Shane Dudeborough feels quite differently. “It’s bullshit is what it is. We’ve never seen it happen before on screen so Moffat  has clearly changed the rules. I guess this means nothing in the 50 year history of the show actually counts anymore. The next thing you know he brings back Adric from the dead as some sort of androgynous hermaphrodite played by Benedict Cumberbatch. I don’t think he knows the damage he’s doing. How am I supposed to masturbate to Missy  now knowing that an image of Anthony Ainley dressed as Mary Poppins might pop into my head at the moment of climax? What would that say about me? I’m not emotionality equipped to ask these things off myself. Moffat doesn’t care about true Doctor Who fans.”

Podcaster Lillian Doyle thought it was great news. “I welcome this as a test case for a female Doctor. There’s no reason a woman can’t play the part and hopefully this should help prove that you can change the gender of a major character and still have it work.”

“Having said that this is Ste-mo we’re talking about so while I welcome the reveal I’m also expecting lots of cracks about about Missy’s appearance and she’ll probably be written as some sort of man hungry bunny boiler. After all he’s still Ste-mo.”

Missing Episodes Of The Daleks Masterplan To Be Reconstructed With Sock Puppets

Mavic Chen, Guardian of the Solar System

1960s Doctor Who epic The Daleks Masterplan is to be released on DVD with its 10 missing episodes being reconstructed using sock puppets.

2 Entertain spokesperson Dan Inzider said “This is a story that many fans would like to finally see on screen but so little of it actually exists that animating 10 episodes would have been too costly. We sat down and looked at the options and it became clear that sock puppetry was the most cost effective way to realise this dream.”

Inzider said that the socks will be purchased at a local branch of Sports Soccer along with the ping pong balls that will be used for the eyes. “It’s really good value in there. You can get 5 pairs for a quid. I might pick some up for myself. We already have an old mop head kicking about somewhere that we can use for William Hartnell’s hair.”

Doctor Who fan Greg Bones was conflicted about the announcement. “As happy as I am that The Daleks Masterplan is coming to DVD I’m not sure that sock puppets are the right way to go. I would have preferred rod puppets myself but if money is an issue then could they not do something with folded paper?”

Peter Purves and Jean Marsh have been contacted to see if they would be willing to operate their sock puppet selves in order to lend greater authenticity to the reconstruction. “Purves said that he would be interested which we are grateful for. We thought that an actress of Jean Marsh’s calibre would be more difficult to secure but her agent told that once she agreed to do Willow all bets were off as far as creative integrity were concerned.”

If these new reconstructions are well received then plans are already in place for a sock puppet based reconstruction of The Macra Terror with jars of crab paste filling gin for the titular monsters.  

Moffat Announces That Season 8 Will Homage Legendary Doctor Who Writer Steven Moffat

Steven Moffat shown here drunk on his own success and a fuck load of free champagne.

Steven Moffat had declared that season 8 of Doctor Who will be a homage the work of Steven Moffat.

Doctor Who production assistant Anne Incider said the project was very close to his heart. “Ste-Mo says that one writer has been a huge influence on his work and he wanted to acknowledge and pay tribute to Ste-Mo and all the wonderful stories he has gifted the world.”

Incider confirmed that Listen was designed specifically to homage the work of ‘Ste-Mo the Great’ as he apparently insists on being addressed around the office. “It had all the classic Ste-Mo tropes that have been such an influence on Ste-Mo. There’s going back in a main characters timeline and meeting them as a child, a nebulous threat based on childhood fears that you can escape by doing something simple, women being either fawned over or insulted because apparently those are the only two choices when speaking to a woman and of course several direct references to Ste-Mo’s masterpiece Day of the Doctor.”

For those who object to the idea of Ste-Mo serving up a narrative bubble and squeak of his last three years in charge Incider says that it could have been so much worse. “Originally the mysterious monsters were going to be called the Laughing Demons and there was going to be a little girl in a radiation suit who asked people ‘Who is my Daddy?” until someone sat him down with a copy of Scum and explained why that would be an awful idea.”

Doctor Who historian Adrian Hexton said that homages of well-known writers is nothing new. “Many stories during the Tom Baker era were homages to writers like Mary Shelly, Robert Louis-Stevenson and Bram Stoker. No one has yet had the audacity to homage their own work on the show unless you count Terry Nation using exactly the same script with the plot beats shuffled about a bit. People don’t appreciate how much hard work that would be back then in the days before copy, paste and find and replace.”

Incider said that season 8 will continue to homage his own work next week. “That mysterious bespectacled woman in a suit from Time Heist is a homage to the mysterious, bespectacled suit wearing character of Missy. A character that will definitely be considered a classic and not the latest in a long line of Moffat created stern, female authority figures that makes you wonder whether he enjoys a whipping from Mistress Pain at the weekends.”